


Lost son of Borogravia

by orphan_account



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Naruto
Genre: Dimension Travel, Gods
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-04-04 15:39:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14023395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The war is over, the god is fell, and the criminal Uchiha Sasuke is behind bars. But his blond haired teammate couldn't let things run their course, could he? He just had to use an untested seal to zap them away to Sage knows where. Now lost in a new world, and becoming a prophet of some kind, what's the Uchiha to do? Hey who knows, maybe the Duchess would help him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Discworld.

* * *

Sasuke stared at the ceiling of his cell. After all he'd done, he was surprised they didn't kill him the first chance they got. He'd been utterly drained and exhausted after his fight with Naruto. He glanced at his stump of an arm and grimaced, he'd have to retrain himself to use one handed seals from now on.

Well if his brother could do it then so could he, though it would probably take him twice the amount of time.

The door to the prison creaked open and a blond haired teen strode in, grinning.

"Hey, Sasuke how were the rats today morning. Better than yesterday's I hope." The blonde had a plate of curry in his hand and gave the prisoner, who'd turned to face him, a wink.

Sasuke sighed and sat up, "yes, they were quite appetizing. Sage knows why they taste like chicken, and noodles, and tomato." He shook his head when the blond burst into hysterics. He stood up and walked to the bars of his cell. He slid his hand through, grabbed the key hanging off the blond's pants-

"Oh,  _no!_ The prisoner is taking advantage of my disability of having only one hand! Someone save me!" The blond managed, before he started laughing again. "Who knows what dirty dirty things he'll do to me!"

Sasuke ignored the snickering teenager and inserted the key into the lock, twisted it and then swung the cell door open. He turned around and went back to sit on his bed. "Naruto," he said, nodding his head.

Naruto smiled at him, "sup bastard. How're you holding up?" He dragged the chair in the cell with his legs and set it against the wall beside the bed. He handed over the plate to Sasuke who took it without a word.

Naruto continued as Sasuke started into his meal, "I'm really trying my best to convince the geezers give you some quality food you know? But they all go 'no! He might use chidori with a toothpick! Or. No! He hypnotize the dead chicken and haunt the army!' Seriously, what am I chopped liver? I'll rasengan your ass to heaven if you tried that!"

Sasuke coughed and tried to make it sound polite.

Naruto glared at him. "Oi, what was that for."

Sasuke blinked at him. "I can't cough now?"

Naruto scrutinized him for a few more seconds before he let it go. "Anyway, if anyone asks why you're not an anorexic skeleton by now just say-"

"I eat rats. I get it, now would you be quiet? I like silence with my meals," said Sasuke. He grabbed a piece of meat and bit into it. As he chewed it he felt himself frowning. The meat, it tasted strange today.

"Yeah yeah, it's just that I don't want them finding out you know? They'll yell at me if they find out." Naruto grinned at the prisoner.

Sasuke eyes twitched in annoyance. Having Uchiha vision made you impervious to ocular bullshit. Such as the fake smile being thrown his way. Even the hero wasn't immune to politics apparently.

"I doubt they'll do anything to you." Sasuke raised his hand as Naruto opened his mouth, "no, I doubt the  _can_  do anything to you." Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Don't let them push you around Naruto, you are practically a god among men right now."

All traces of a good mood disappeared from Naruto's face. He stared at Sasuke with a serious frown. "Those are dangerous thoughts Sasuke."

"It's the truth." Sasuke picked up the glass of water on the plate and raised it to his lips.

Naruto casually said, "by the way. I sealed all the other bijuu within me."

Sasuke spat the water and began coughing. He thumped his chest twice and whipped his head at Naruto. "You  _what?!"_ He said with wide eyes.

Naruto shrugged, "hey it was either that or letting them get captured again."

"... even the eight tails?"

"Oh yeah, left B with like four tails worth of chakra. But Gyuuki's within me yeah." Naruto chuckled.

Sasuke set the plate aside and stood up. He walked a few steps away from Naruto and closed his eyes. "I can't sense anyone, Naruto."

"The guards? Gave them an early vacation. Took them all home."

"My range is farther than that... There is no one in a hundred miles. So, what're you planning."

"A little permanent dimensional getaway for the two of us?"

Sasuke whipped his head at him. " _What?!_ "

Naruto gave him a calm look. "Look Sasuke, you said it yourself. Right now I'm a god among men. And what happened to the last one?"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, "Kaguya? Are you stupid? You th-" He swayed and caught himself against the wall. He blinked heavily and shook his head, "you think you're anything like Kaguya," his vision swam. "The hell did you add to my food."

A hand slapped a seal onto Sasuke's wrist and he jerked back, "wha?" He looked at the floor and realized that he'd fallen at some point.

"Some of Sakura's experimental sleeping pills. Crushed them and mixed them with the meat." Naruto crouched before Sasuke and gave him a sad smile, "sorry Sasuke, for dragging you with me. But your eyes and my chakra? Everyone's going to hunt us down. And eventually someone we care about is going to be hurt."

"Bullshit," Sasuke tried lifting his hand, it wouldn't respond. "what's... the real reason."

Naruto's smile was hollow. "If someone we care about is hurt, we have the power to kill  _anyone_ ,  _everyone._  Just like Kaguya. Believe me Sasuke, I've thought about it. And my master always told me that power corrupted people," Naruto sighed. "I mean look at what I'm doing just because no-one can stop me."

Sasuke blinked. His eyes drooped. "I... can..."

Naruto hugged him, "goodnight Sasuke. Don't worry I've got this. I mean the seal  _is_ experimental and sucks a buttload of chakra. But I'm sure I can manage!"

The Uchiha had already fallen asleep.

Naruto set him down on the floor and stared off in the distance.

Thousands of chakra signatures moved in his direction.

"Well, shit. Time to get to work."

He summoned a scroll and brush and started drawing on it.

* * *

"Hey! Are you okay? Oh  _darn_ , so much blood!"

A girl's voice reached his ears.

Sasuke blearily opened his eyes. He looked at his surroundings.

He was in some kind of a demolished building made of wood. A girl was sitting beside him, her eyes wide with worry. "Just- just stay here, I'll get my father. T-Think of the Duchess, she's keep you safe till I get back."

"I hope this isn't an abomination," he heard her mutter as she got up and scurried away.

Sasuke watched her leave from the broken door. He tried to get up and screamed.

He touched his stomach and felt wood prodding out of it. He cursed.

With his head feeling faint he looked around, "Naruto?" he said feebly.

He saw something orange buried underneath a pillar. He grit his teeth and activated the Rinnegan. He raised his hand. " _Shinra Tensei..."_

The pillar blew off and revealed what was underneath. It was a charred skeleton, wearing a headband and traces of orange cloth on it.

Sasuke's eyes widened in horror.

" _Na.. ruto..._ "

His hand fell away and he fainted due to stress and exhaustion.

...

A tall, robed, human shaped skeleton appeared. One second it wasn't there and the next second, it was. He walked with a soul sharp scythe in his hand, stepped over Sasuke, and stopped before the charred skeleton.

It studied the blackened bones and gave a human equivalent of a sigh.

I BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT IS CALLED A BIT OF A PICKLE.

A smaller black robed figure popped out of the derbies.

SQUEAK?

I DID NOT MEAN A REAL PICKLE. IT IS A METAPHOR.

SQUEAK...

The tall skeleton looked up at the sky.

MAYBE YOU WILL FIND IT IF YOU BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH. BECAUSE THERE IS CERTAINLY NO PICKLE HERE.

The two figures vanished.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Discworld.

* * *

" _Shinra Tensei..."_

_..._

_..._

_A..._

_...tion..._

_..min..._

_Abom..._

_...tion..._

_Abom...nation..._

_...Abom...ina...tion..._

_...Abomin...ation..._

A mouth spoke.

" **Abomination."**

And elsewhere, words were writ onto the living testament.

* * *

The world is a place ripe for exploring, said no one who'd ever lived through a war and just wanted to sit down and have a nice cup of tea. And for someone whose entire life was one long back to back sequence of betrayals, tragedies, and mind boggling -not to mention eye popping- revelations, Sasuke had pretty much exhausted whatever wanderlust he'd ever had.

But no, life wasn't done with him. Destiny wasn't done with him. Hell, literal  _gods_  weren't done with him. Then why'd he expect that blond haired utter  _idiot_  to be done with him? Oh Naruto, let's go enjoy a nice bowl of ramen after I'm out of this stupid cell. He'd meant to ask him that. He'd even planned to be his lifetime ramen supplier, it was the least he could do for the blond for ensuring that he remained safe and hadn't been dissected. Especially with Orochimaru slithering around the corner.

And it wasn't like he was buying his friendship or anything. No, not that. Totally not that. Despite it being so much easier than actually having to  _talk_  to the idiot, and maintaining a correspondence, and standing his badgering.

No, he'd  _never_  take the easy route. Despite how stress free it would make his life.

But then again, all that Uchiha cash was just lying around gathering dust in the vaults...

Sasuke looked at the ceiling of the room with a sour face.

What cash now though? He was as poor as a beggar. No, he was  _poorer_  than a beggar. And had poorer prospects of making money than a beggar.

Sasuke ignored the girl who'd entered the room and started speaking to him in gibberish.

Language was another one of his problems right now. He didn't understand a bloody thing these people said. So he'd kept quiet and acted like his usual self. It was an art he perfected in his academy days. He was always proud of that. Naruto would've called it his natural asshole-aura or assholery, but what did he know? Did he know how long he'd stood in front of a mirror getting his face to look just the right amount of menacing?

And now that idiot would never know.

Because he was  _fucking_ dead.

Dead.

Capital D.

Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

Thanks for all the memories idiot. Would've loved to see whatever diabolically stupid plan you had, but hey life happens.

Or in this case death happens.

The girl continued rattling gibberish at him. Sasuke turned and stared at her. She was the one that had found him and had apparently taken the role of being his caretaker. She would come everyday with new bandages and some kind of liquid medicine. Then they'd begin their daily ritual of him being stubborn and demanding the bandages, and her glaring at him and pointing at his stump and then poking him.

"Ow."

Ah, she'd poked him.

"Ow."

Didn't she know he had injuries and burns all over.

"Ow."

She gave him a challenging smile and gestured that she'd stab him with pokes a million times over if he didn't let her change the bandages. She did so by rapid poking the air. And then-

"OW! That hurt!" he flinched and glared at her.

" _Ovv! That hvut!"_ She made a mockery of and butchered his language.

Sasuke scowled at her. Was making fun of the crippled an accepted form of amusement in this place?

What kind of messed up world did Naruto throw him in.

Sasuke sat up sullenly and threw his shirt away and stared away as she grinned and began unwrapping yesterday's strips.

As she did this she began chatting amicably with him again. A one sided chat. He suspected that she only talked to him because he couldn't understand her. She'd often speak to him and then giggle to herself, and then she'd abruptly stop, and then she try to make her giggle rough and deeper. She also walked weird for someone wearing a skirt.

Was she trying to pass off as a guy or something?

Ah, who cares. He didn't give a shit.

He peered at her with a squint. She had a frown on her face and was delicately peeling off the gauze on his stomach. She winced when the injury underneath came to light. Dabbing a cloth in the medicine, she began running it over the damaged flesh.

Sasuke didn't understand one thing. Why'd she give a shit about him? This couldn't be generosity.

Generosity to strangers consisted of a polite smile, some kindhearted care and then distant well wishes.

This? Coming up to chat with him at least twice a day, changing his bandages everyday, showing him weird stuff she'd find, and get coming up to him and sharing some kind of frothing alcoholic drink. It  _looked_  like beer but he couldn't be certain about the taste. Oh and then she'd belch and scratch her head, grin lopsidedly, and guffaw.

Her expressions said, "heh, wasn't that funny? A good belch between friends after some good drinks?"

He'd give her a flat look.

"It is... isn't it...?" said her body language. Her eyes would become more unsure and her smile uncertain.

Sasuke would bite down his smirk and look exasperated.

"Oh my gosh... I'm making a fool of myself aren't I...," she'd purse her lips and stare down with a sigh.

At which point he'd let out a chuckle at her expense and she'd glare at him.

But despite all the smiles and laughs and glares and grumbles... this wasn't generosity. He of all people should know what that meant. He'd known the dobe after all. And even the dobe wouldn't try to act this friendly.

Not unless he had some other goal in mind.

_Ramen..._

So, what's her angle? Sasuke thought as she wrapped the last of the bandages around his chest and stepped back. She inspected her handiwork and nodded to herself before she smiled at him and left the room.

Sasuke counted up to three.

She popped her head back in, gave him a bright smile and then closed the door after her.

... yeah, she definitely had an angle. Smiles like that directed at him always meant trouble. He'd learned that from his fan club, especially from Sakura and Ino. Come to think of it, maybe Naruto too... and Orochimaru... those two were practically half woman. And... and... Madara? Even he'd become a woman at the end there, right?

Sasuke then valiantly tried to avoid thinking of his brother and his luscious locks which shone with his every hair flip. He didn't think he could handle any more post fratricide revelations.

_So hungry... man..._

Shut up, inner Naruto. Sasuke ran a palm over his face and groaned. He hoped he wouldn't pull a Kakashi and start gorging himself on ramen in the dobe's memory. He didn't have a convenient plot device in his stomach to regulate his body fat.

"Yeah, I'm gonna ignore you alright," Sasuke spoke under his breath and stood up. "Just don't want to go off the deep end yet. Not when I don't even know where I am. Maybe I'll accommodate you after that."

Silence was his answer.

Sasuke mentally shrugged. It was better then a confirmation of his crumbling sanity.

Sasuke opened the closet in the room and stared with disdain at the condition he'd been given to step out of his room. His eyes fell upon a faded brown blouse and a dark green skirt that would probably reach till his knees.

He scowled. He really didn't want to wear it but he'd been cooped up in this room for five days. The first day because he couldn't move worth shit. The second because of  _the incident_. And the last three of them because he'd still had more pride than impatience.

Today, the Uchiha swallowed his pride and picked up the blouse. He'd normally not give a damn and strut wherever he damn well pleased, but he didn't want his benefactor to get into trouble. And after  _the incident_  he didn't really have any option other than maybe using a transformation. He didn't want to chance a transformation over a damaged chakra circuitry, he'd need to train again before he went around using jutsu.

Sasuke grumbled and slid the cloth over his shoulder and bitterly noted that it fit him quite perfectly. He then sniffed the air and made a face. Damn, he smelled like daisies now. Why the hell was it perfumed? He was a ninja, he didn't need assistance downplaying his masculinity. But the girl didn't know that. Must've thought she was helping him. Or in this case, herself.

The ninja then looked at his pants and then at the skirt. Well, he was back in that phase of his life then. The last time he'd been here he'd gone insane and tried to be a ballerina. Hopefully this time he'd have his wits about him.

Sasuke sighed.

Well, at least the dobe wasn't here to see this.

_You know... you want me babe~_

_..._

Kakashi should've taught him how to chidori one's inner demon.

But that's probably just electrotherapy.

* * *

"One more fer me lassie!" a voice shouted out slamming a mug on the bar before a skinny girl with blond hair, snapping her out of her reverie.

Polly grabbed the mug, turned around and twisted the tap of the keg, letting the beer flow into the mug and froth its way upwards.

"Say, you got a new gurl round 'ere?" said the man, leaning on the counter and picking at his teeth with his pinkie. "Ol'Jammer's quite taken with the delicate thang."

Polly turned to him in confusion. "New girl, sir?" She passed him his mug.

The man grinned at her, Polly wished he didn't, his smile left much to be desired, namely half his teeth. "Ya, in the lobby of yer Duchess. Gurl with dem short hair. Looks ready to bite his head off. Isn't that what you youngins call aah, what's it called." The man turned around and yelled at a table of men playing cards.

"Hey Fred! Wha's it called when a woman hits ya but likes ya!"

"Wha? Hits what?" A man at the table turned around and shouted back.

"Hits ya but likes ya!"

Fred scratched his chin, "I... think false torchlighting?"

The toothless man turned to Polly with a triumphant smile, "yes! False torchlighting!" He blinked and looked around when he found no barmaid listening to him. "Ha? Where'd she go off... oh well." The man shrugged and went over to Fred's table with a lop-sided grin. He was drunk enough to win today for sure!

Polly's mind was racing as she ran as fast as it was generally accepted that a young lady could. She didn't think he'd put it on without telling her! Sure she'd asked him to do that, but it really was him who gave her that idea, and then again it was because of her that he had to give her that idea.

Young unmarried women were not supposed to bring home men.

But he was bleeding and possibly dying and she couldn't find her father anywhere.

And with the abominations being what they were... she didn't think people would help him until after they'd consulted the testament, which, given its length, could take quite a while. And then they'd check again just to be sure. After that they might ask their neighbor as well just in case they might've missed something.

He wouldn't have lived that long.

So she'd snuck him in. Snatched a bed sheet from a room in the inn, got a cart, stuffed him in, covered him and then wheeled him to her room.

And then there was her cousin, her drunk and useless cousin, who just happened to be sprawled on the stairs and had seen her haul the man up to her room.

Polly scowled, things would've been a lot less complicated if she'd been more careful. Her grip on the club, which she'd picked up in case she might need it and which every pub had under the bar, tightened as she recalled what'd happened.

* * *

The boy had just woken up and was scowling and glaring at anything within scowlable distance. Which currently included her.

He was studying his surroundings, which included her bed, her closet, the picture of the Duchess watching them, and the curtain which she'd somehow managed to nail to the ceiling so that he'd be covered from view in case anyone decided to pop into her room.

She'd seen all his scars, burns and the story his injuries seemed to tell. He was a soldier, she was sure of it. Even her father had wounds like this, the ones you get from being cut by a blade, the kind that forever leave a mark on you. But this boy, much  _much_ younger than her father, had them a hundred times over.

And his hand... she'd almost screamed in surprise when she'd touched his sleeve and her hand fell through.

Was this what she had to expect when she went through with her plan? To lose a limb or two? She always knew that soldiers never came back in one piece but this was the first time she was seeing a freshly injured one. Oh Duchess, it must've  _hurt._

The boy turned his attention to his stomach, which she'd dressed in gauze and some ointments she'd found. He twisted his shoulders and bit back a scream.

"You really shouldn't move!" she hurried to say. "There are nasty cuts all over," she said, sitting before him in a chair.

He pursed his lips and nodded slowly at her.

Then his stomach let rip a mighty growl and his face morphed into a scowl.

She giggled, stopped, corrected it to a chuckle, and pushed a leftover bread loaf from the kitchen into his hand.

He stared at it, looked at her, and stared back at it. Then he placed the bread on the bed and ran his finger over it in the shape of a square. She gaped at him when he pinched the bread and a piece of the exact shape came into his hand.

"Y-You have to teach me how to do that!" she blurted out with wide eyes. He raised a brow at her. "I-I mean after you're well of course," she said.

He scoffed.

Polly pursed her lips. Why wasn't he speaking?

The boy then smiled charmingly at her and held out the cut bread piece to her.

Polly's eyes widened again. Oh dar- Oh  _damn,_ not a flirter. Or was he a romantic? She didn't know which was worse. One had their head in the mud and the other had their head in the sky.

She felt unsafe without a club right now. Maybe this is why you shouldn't bring random boys home.

She gave him a shaky smile and eyed the door. She'd take his offering and then make some excuse and get away as fast as she could.

"Thank you," she said brightly, and took the piece and chewed it. "Mmhmm, this is good," she hoped she didn't sound nervous. "Ah, look at the sun! There's some things in the kitchen I've got to..." Polly stopped talking, his face had changed.

A grim and satisfied smile replaced the charming one as he picked up the loaf and tore into it. His eyes passed over her in disinterest and they darted around the room again.

They'd changed the second she'd swallowed...

What?

He turned to her, possibly sensing her confusion. He pointed at her, then at the bread, then at himself, and then drew a line over his throat with his thumb. He smirked at her and bite off another chunk from the loaf and ate it.

Polly stared at him with a frown. What did he mean? Well, she was the one who'd saved him. And gave him food. He was the one who woke up somewhere he didn't know and... took food from some girl he'd never seen in his life... during a war... and he was possibly a soldier...

Polly blinked as it dawned on her. Did he just use her as a food tester? Her hands bunched up and she felt like giving him a piece of her mind. Why would she go through all the trouble of carting him to her room just to poison him, did she look like who poisoned people in her spare time!

But she stopped herself before she actually blew up on him when she realized something else.

Actually... that was pretty smart of him. Though she might not want to tell him that given the way the boy was radiating smug off of him in waves. Now that she understood why he did that she could understand his reasoning.

Woke up in an unknown place. Some girl is watching me. I'm bandaged and apparently taken care of. I don't know where I am, can't trust anyone. I am hungry. Girl smiles at me and offers me food. Again, can't trust anyone. Girl looks like a civilian, I know I am handsome. Use that. Smile at her, show her I am grateful and force a piece of the food on her. Watch closely as she eats. Good. She didn't hesitate to eat. Mustn't have poisoned it.

Polly looked sadly at the floor... she had a long way to go if she's to be soldiering anytime soon. She doubted if all that would've occurred to her.

...it didn't matter. Good or bad she's going to go through with what she'd decided. She'd learn along the way.

But...

Polly recalled the calluses of his hand and looked up at him, still biting through with a bored expression on his face. He  _must_ have more soldiering wisdom like that tucked inside him. He could... teach her. Or at least she could observe him and learn from his actions.

Polly felt a smile creeping up her face. She learnt how to be a boy by observing, right? She could do this too. Yeah,  _yeah,_ she could do it. And the more she saw him the more she'd learn to think like him.

She should keep him! Squeeze him till he had nothing left to show off! Polly blinked rapidly and her ears reddened. That thought didn't come out right...

Anyway, better ask him his name.

Polly waved her hand in front of him and he turned his eyes to her. "So, what's your name? I'm Polly Per-"

The door slammed open. Her eyes shot up in panic and she dove in front of the boy and spread her arms out, despite having no hope of blocking him from view. The boy let out pained grunt. She'd apologize later... if there was a later.

"See!" said her cousin Vlopo barging in with his ever present bottle of beer in his hands. "I  _told_ you she'd dragged in a boy for a little rustle in the haystack!" said Vlopo pointing at her with an 'aha!-I-caught-you!' smile.

Polly's eyes became horrified when her father trailed after Vlopo into her room. He looked at her with a confused frown. "Polly?" her father said, "what's going on? Who is that?"

Polly hurried to reply, "This isn't what it looks like! H-"

"Oh right! Just wait till Father Jupe hears about  _this!"_ Vlopo grinned. _"_ How  _could_ you Polly? Who'd have thought you'd commit an Abomination unto Nug-"

"That's enough Vlopo," said her father cut him off harshly. He turned his serious eyes on her, "Polly, who is this young man?"

Polly tried to think up an answer. All she came up with was, "S-Someone I f-found." If she could, she'd have murdered herself right then. Someone she found?! That's just giving her cousin even more fuel!

" _Oh._ Found, eh?" Vlopo grinned. "You  _know_ babies are an Abo-"

"Vlopo! Would you shut up!" her father roared at him, and Vlopo shrunk away against the wall with a panicked face. "One more word and I'll throw you out!" said her father.

Her father whirled back at her and stepped closer. Polly felt her heart pound against her chest, her father didn't look as angry with her as he did with Vlopo, but her heart still pounded away, hammering inside her.

"Polly," her father said, gently. "Just tell me what's happening."

Polly gulped. She really didn't know what would happen if she told him. She glanced back over her shoulder to see the boy's reaction to all this and her eyebrows rose.

He was shivering against her. His eyes were darting between her father and Vlopo, as he clutched onto her back. He seemed to shrink into himself, as if the whole world was out to eat him up. "Are you okay?" she heard herself say, his frazzled face shot up to hers. Her eyes met his, and for a brief moment-

He smirked.

"Polly?" her father eyed the boy behind her and stepped closer. He reached out a hand to her shoulder, "is everything alright?"

She heard the boy take a deep breath and-

"KYAAAAAAAAA!"

He let out the most high pitched scream she'd heard in her life.

Her father snatched his hand back as if burned. He shared a bewildered look with Vlopo and stared at the boy, who was now sobbing a river into her blouse.

Everyone was confused. Her mouth was opening and closing. Her father looked like he'd just lifted someone's skirt by accident and felt ashamed. Vlopo looked like he needed his ears checked.

Polly yelped when the boy dug his elbow into her back and glared when she looked at him. He gave more feminine boohoos and elbowed her again.

Heeey, feminine... the clever bo-,the clever  _bugger._

Light appeared at the end of the tunnel for Polly.

"Dad! Vlopo! Out! Out with you! Now!" she yelled at them with female outrage.

"Wha?" the both of them blinked owlishly at her.

"Can't you see the poor thing behind me is practically naked! She's had a hard time! You two don't need to make it worse!"

"She?" They both blinked at her again and craned their neck around her in their confusion.

The boy wailed again and clutched her around the waist, pulling himself closer and sobbing like no tomorrow. Polly felt blood rush to her face. This was a little much...

"Get out you two!" she screamed, this time for her own sanity.

Her father began, "but Poll-"

"Ouuuut!"

Polly snatched her shoe from her leg and threatened to fling it at them.

The two men quickly filed out, each eager to be the first to leave.

Polly quickly stood up, leaving the boy's grasp, and shut the door to her room. She sighed and wiped her forehead. Thank Duchess for that. That was one disaster averted.

"You know you'll have to follow up with that," she said, leaning back against the door.

He raised an eyebrow, wiping away his faked tears with his hand.

"So... what's your name? I'm Polly Perks," she said. She opened her closet and began rummaging through it.

" _Polly?_ " she heard him say. And that foreign accent of his confirmed it. He didn't speak her language. At least he didn't sound Zlobenian.

"Yep, Polly Perks at your service." Huh, where did she leave it? It should be in this drawer. In here? No... Ah. There it is!

Taking what she wanted out of her closet, Polly went back to the chair and sat down. "So, I'm Polly." she said, pointing at herself. "And you are?" she pointed at him. Her question should be obvious right? Despite the language barrier.

" _Sasuke. Uchiha Sasuke."_

"Sa...suke?" she said, trying out his strange name.

He nodded.

"Sasuke," she said again.

He rolled his eyes and nodded.

Polly frowned, that just won't do. His name didn't sound delicate enough for the premise he'd set up before her father and Vlopo.

Polly smiled roguishly, like the boys do, and gave him his  _correct_  name. He  _was_ gonna be stuck here for a few days anyhow.

"Sarah," she said.

His eyes crinkled in confusion.

"Uchi... Uchiha Sarah," she pushed what she'd taken from her closet towards him.

He took it and unfolded it.  _"Sarah?"_ he said to himself. His eyes widened as the petticoat in his hand unfurled. He whipped his head at her and lifted the garment accusingly. " _Sarah?!_ " His eyes twitched violently.

Polly grinned, "welcome to my family's inn, the Duchess! My good friend Sarah!"

Polly happily ignored the burning glare he was sending her way and began chatting with him. He did this to himself after all. No wait,  _she_  did this to  _herself_. And she didn't know who the  _she_  was. Her, or him, or  _her_.

* * *

Polly could hear someone groaning painfully as she walked into the lobby. Her father and the kitchen maid were gawking at... Sarah, who was leaning back against the door to the supplies room and was inspecting her nails.

Polly noted that Sarah had somehow shaved her legs. She also noted that Sarah pulled off a blouse better than she herself ever did.

"Ah, come on gel let me ouuut," a voice moaned from behind Sarah. "I'll behave, I promise!"

"Do you know her, Mr. Perks?" the kitchen maid asked her father with stars in her eyes. "I never seen a girl move that fast!"

"Polly? Is this same young lady in your room?" her father asked her. He'd been too embarrassed to come into her room again.

"Everyone," said Polly, raising a hand towards the girl of the hour, "this is Sarah."

" _Tsk. Tsk. Tsk,_ " said the soft voice of the girl leaning against the door.

Sarah shook her finger and gave them all a menacing grin.

" _Uchiha Sarah,"_ she said and flipped her hair.

The kitchen maid clapped in excitement and began eagerly bombarding Sarah with questions. Sarah looked annoyed at the attention, which further spurred the maid.

Her father said to her, "interesting young lady."

"Huh? I guess..." said Polly, hoping Sasuke didn't prove too interesting.

That would just be inviting trouble now, wouldn't it?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note:
> 
> Yo!
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter.
> 
> Have a great day, peeps!
> 
> Ciao~
> 
> And now for a silly little rhyme -
> 
> Naruto and Sasuke,
> 
> sitting on a tree,
> 
> each kicking the other,
> 
> off with their feet~
> 
> This makes me smile for some reason.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Discworld.

* * *

Long deep down in caves under the land.

Pickaxes wielded by mobile beards hit the ground again and again. The rock gave way under the rhythmic thunks and the dwarfs worked from dark to dark with nary a break. For they knew they had to reinforce this tunnel with iron before long.

The land would sing soon. Said the words drawn on the walls by the old dwarfs who knew to listen. The land would dance soon. The heads of the clans roared commands at their miners, and builders, and smelters, and ironsmiths. They had to reinforce their mines at once. Bolt them up with iron bars, set up those vibrating pillars, and dig the caves into the pentahexanonagram of equilibrium before the first stone begins to tap.

"Come on lads! Break down this wall and we'll join Ironaxehandle's clan on the other end! Last stretch of the hexanonadecagram boys!" shouted the command-giver of this particular squad.

The dwarfs cheered and thumped their fists against their beard covered, armor clad chests.

Command-giver grinned at the young dwarfs, not even a hundred and fifty years yet. They followed his every order and command and worked so hard that if he'd ordered them to stop right now, their hands would still lift and hit down with whatever they could grab.

A brown haired dwarf came running to him from the central hub, it was the message-reader. The one designated to read the messages on the wall left by the other dwarfs and report back to his command-giver.

"Bad news! Everybody head ba-"

A monstrous thud echoed across the caves.

Wincing, the dwarfs removed their hands from their ears.

"No, they didn't calculate right...," said the message-reader with horrified eyes.

The thud, it had come from the other side of the wall they were digging through. Ironaxehandle was on the other side.

Command-giver whirled around and pushed off the young dwarfs. "Dwarfs, run! Run at on-"

The pillars they'd set up started creaking. The bolts shot off their sockets like bullets. The vibrating towers groaned from a distance.

The pebbles on the ground. They began tapping.

The dwarfs scrambled away, all of them frightened and afraid for their lives.

For when the land sings, everyone is put to sleep in its bed.

Command-giver stared at the ceiling as a crack burst into existence and rained loose soil down on them. He shouted at the others to duck.

The tunnel collapsed.

* * *

Sasuke was sulking. He'd been left in the kitchen and he was sulking.

That seemed to be his default emotion these days. Sulk. His life was one big sulk. Damn his pedigree. It refused to let him indulge in the more base emotions of the masses. Like losing your shit over a new thing in the store, or smiling at another person just because you'd stuck a 'kick-me' sign behind their back.

His elite Uchiha breeding contorted everything it touched.

Joy became a superiority complex. It rushed through his veins every time he curb stomped someone with his skills.

Sadness became an inferiority complex. Every time Naruto showed him that his was bigger and better than his. Sasuke'd comfort himself that it was how you used it and not the size that mattered. Not everyone was a chakra monster who could spam mountain leveling jutsu.

Love became blood soaked revenge plots. Curse the Mangekyo for making them murderous teddy bears at heart. Naruto, Itachi, Sakura, Kakashi, his village... he loved them all too damn much. So much that he had to try killing them off lest he went mad with love.

Hell, even Karin made the list.

Sasuke sighed. It was tough being an Uchiha. If he'd been back in his world he'd probably pour sake on the second Hokage's grave for telling him about the defect in the family. Even if the guy was an utter bastard in how he handled the issue.

" _Sarah, help me out, won't you dear?"_ said the kitchen maid with a cheer. She stirred a stew on the stove.

Sasuke groaned. The woman wouldn't stop _pestering_ him. She'd blabbed something to the Polly girl and her father and dragged him off to the kitchen. She'd put an apron on him before he could protest and then she went gushing on about something. Probably about how pretty he regrettably looked.

As an Uchiha, the whole world seemed set on loving you despite you wanting to burn it and flush the ashes down the toilet. Life was tough as an Uchiha. Life was tough.

His last one hour was pretty much this.

" _You have such pretty hair, dear girl. It would look wonderful once it grows out!"_

" _Did you know that there's a parade in the town square today! Come with me and you'll be sure to catch a handsome man's eye I'll say!"_

Polly had popped in for a bit. Sasuke looked at her with pleading eyes. Polly raised an eyebrow and took some coins from her skirt pockets. Jiggling them before him in her fist, she indicated that he had to earn his keep. She then put a bow on his head and he lunged at her. She skipped away with a cheeky grin and blew a kiss at him before going back to the bar.

Which now brings him to the present moment.

" _Oh you two... must be nice to be so close."_ said the kitchen maid with a wistful sigh.

Sasuke decided not to look at her. He reiterated it to himself. He must not look at her.

The kitchen maid chuckled sadly, " _Why, you look just like my little Maria would have I bet."_ Sasuke heard an intake of breath clogged by snot. His fist clenched, he'd recognize a mother's snotty nose anywhere. Itachi had ensured it.

" _Oh sorry, Sarah. What am I doing... being silly like always. Anyway! Are you helping me or not!"_

Sasuke turned with a grimace and saw her giving him an angry pout. He ran a hand through his hair and gave her a defeated nod. He could never bear a mother's sadness... except maybe when he was deep in one of his revenge plots.

" _Wonderful! Come on girl, chop chop! Grab those onions there and cut 'em up real nice!"_ said the kitchen maid, pointing to a basket of onions.

Sasuke pondered the merits of using Susanoo to chop onions. Surely it must be the ways of the ancient Uchiha matron. A woman with thunder on her brow and a spatula in her hand, she'd breathe warm fire under the hundred pots over firewood, and use her hundred handed apparition to slice and dice and mix and stir. She was a legend among the Uchiha family from the warring clans era.

It was said that during the attack of the bone digging silver wasps she had fed their battalion of a thousand, single handedly.

And currently, he _was_ single handed.

Maybe this was his real destiny. To follow in the footsteps of the ancient Uchiha matron...

Sasuke grabbed a knife and began chopping the onions.

He had a legend to revive.

Five minutes later...

Sasuke stared at the monstrosity on his cutting board. He, Uchiha Sasuke, vanquisher of the Rabbit Goddess, could not cut, one single onion. The darn thing slipped every time he put pressure on it. And the damn knife wasn't as sharp as his sword was.

How the hell was he supposed to cut with such a blunted piece of civilian utility?

His sword had made everything butter. Ninja? Butter. Wood? Butter. Steel? Add a little chakra and you get butter.

Sasuke looked at his stump. If only someone could sew his hand back on.

Somewhere far away, all over the disc, a whole clan sneezed together.

"Athchthoo! Excusthe me."

Sasuke tapped the kitchen maid on her shoulder.

" _Yes, dear?"_ she said, turning around from the meat she was frying. Sasuke pointed to the badly chopped onion on his table and gave her a shrug.

" _Oh you poor thing... did... did you lose your hand recently? I thought you'd already learnt to make do with one hand,"_ she said with an apologetic face.

Sasuke looked away with a scowl. He did not need a lowly maid's pity.

His Sharingan spun into existence. Susanoo it is then. He'll just manifest a single hand and command it in tandem with his own. He'll cast a genjutsu on the woman and then-

_Susanoo for... kitchen work? ... seriously, bastard?_

But just a little distraction illusion, just so she'd look awa-

_You are weak..._

What the?

_Why are you weak..._

Dobe?

_You lack... uhh... a creative head... yeah..._

The hell? Creative head? Wasn't it... hatred?

_Yeah... you try rhyming with hatred... oh wait... you'd probably use... susanoo for that too... mr. hacks..._

Sasuke growled. He'd come up with Kirin. _Kirin_. Who was Mr. Bigger Blue Ball after three years to say he lacked creativity?

The slam of a hammer against wood reached his ears. His head darted around and he found the maid hunkered over the cutting board.

" _Sarah, come here,_ " she said, motioning him to join her.

Sasuke stood beside her and saw her hammer in a third nail into the board and flip it over.

" _Watch this, dear,"_ she said with a smile, and picked up the onion.

Sasuke's pupils spun into the Mangekyo Sharingan.

Using a single hand she drove an onion into the sharp ends of the nails and made sure it was stiff in place. Grabbing the knife, she then cut off the extreme ends of the onion, peeled off the outermost skin, and then started cutting the onion into bits. She removed the partially cut onion and pierced it again in a different angle into the nails and cut them similarly.

" _See this, dear. This should help you,"_ said the kitchen maid, lifting the board and letting the sliced pieces fall into a bowl.

" _Now why don't you try?_ " She handed him the knife and the board and drove an onion into the nails.

Sasuke's hand flashed. The onion partially fell apart into small chunks. The onion blurred and it appeared in a different angle. Sasuke's hand flashed again. He lifted the board and let the finely cut pieces slide into the bowl.

_Mr. hacks... strikes again... Mangekyo, bastard?_

Hey, she _said_ watch this. That's just inviting an Uchiha to use their eyes.

" _Oh my goodness! You're a natural! Good job, dear!"_ said the kitchen maid, beaming at him and patting him on the back. " _The moment I saw you handle that, ma I saids to myself. This is a girl to watch out for, oh yes."_ The maid nodded to herself and chuckled.

Sasuke had a vague feeling that he'd made her proud in some way. This was foreign territory.

_Aww... I think... she likes you..._

Shut up, dobe.

" _Wouldn't want to let you loose on the men now, would we Sarah?"_ the kitchen maid smiled, darkly.

Sasuke smirked back at her. Dark smiles were right up his alley.

_Sage... damn it..._

" _Anyway girl, just cut me enough to fill the bowl and I'll set you with something else okay?"_ she shook the bowl in front of him and went back to her stove.

Sasuke got to work, chopping. He had to get used to a single arm. And this was good training.

He'd bring honor unto the ancient Uchiha matron. The woman who fed both the children and the mighty warriors of his clan.

* * *

Floating eyes peered at the disc.

_Red eyes... Ringed eyes... Black eyes... what other eyes do you have, boy? You bear... watching..._

A strong, muscled hand rubbed a majestic beard.

_Does this make us kindred spirits... I wonder..._

One floating eye saw a figure of a short man with a leaf crown on his bald head fade into and out of existence. " _A-Abomination,_ " it said, struggling to write down on parchment.

_Poor chap... should have moved with the times... well I could help... get him a few followers in the city..._

An eye blinked and saw the cavein under the sto plains.

_Interesting... one is the boy... and you are the second... two... kindred spirits..._

Two strong hands clasped together.

_Well... it has been a while since our last game... many questions I have for our chronic winners..._

An eye made an helix in the air. It saw a turtle fall off the disc.

_Huh... odd turtle..._

* * *

The tables were making a ruckus when Sarah came out the kitchen with three steaks on a plate on her hand and the handle of a cauldron held by her mouth. The smell of hot stew drifted from the pot.

The tables had been cleared out and arranged as the perimeter of a ring. Men and women were cheering on the fighters circling each other, each with a blunted cutlass in their hand.

"Go gentle on her, lad!"

"Kick his jewels, Polly!"

"Dear Duchess, woman! Boy's but a stripling!"

"A hundred beers for the winner!"

"Give 'er the ol'switcheroo, boyo! Show her where women belong!"

"Kick his jewels _hard,_ Polly!"

Polly lashed out with a swing. The boy blocked it, slapped her sword away and moved in with a punch.

Polly jerked her knee upwards, _threateningly_ close to the boy's most delicate possession.

The boy yelped and backed a away a few feet, aborting his punch halfway. He gave her a petulant glare with his one eye. "Oh, come on! That's not fair! Even the Zlobenians never did _that_!"

A grizzled voice laughed loudly from the crowd. "You lucky boy! Never faced the nutcracker squad 'ave ye? Many a generation of lads and lasses they robbed us of. Many a generation." The voice cackled.

The men surrounding him had gone pale in the face. "Shut up, Gummy. Don't bring _that_ up!"

"Why not?" said Gummy Abbens with a grin. "I gots a _medal_ for offing them! I'm practically a nationals hero!" He cackled. "And I taught the girly _all_ their finest moves!"

Polly saw Sarah moving around the tables poking people with her elbow and letting them cut some steak for themselves and pour stew into their bowls.

The boy struck out. Polly ducked under his blade. The boy grinned, Polly cursed. She practically put her face right before his fist. His already sailing fist.

Her eyes shut for the inevitable blow.

A clang burst her ears. "Aah!" she said, rubbing the ears. They rang.

Standing upright, she opened her eyes see Sarah standing before her holding a dented plate where her head had been, and her opponent's face twisted with pain and gingerly holding his hand.

"That hurt!" her opponent cried. He growled and grabbed Sarah by her collar and shook her violently. "The hell did you do that for! You gonna fix my hand, huh? _Huh_?" He shoved his twisted thumb in her face.

Polly bit her lips. Sasuke shouldn't have done that. She could have taken that punch. She might have to call her dad before things got rowdy. If only Paul were here... He always sorted out brawls without a sweat. Why'd she let her brother leave home...

Polly looked back at the crowd, it was getting up and closing in on them.

"Hey, let her go now. Not proper boy, to hit a lady."

"Lady? Hah! Can't fight a good fight without tricks! Let her have it!"

"Now you see here-"

Sarah let the plate drop with a clang on the floor and raised her hand. Polly looked at her, Sarah's, face. It had an amused smile.

Sarah closed her eyes and placed her hand delicately on the boy's cheek. The boy growled, "using your wiles? Tell them to fix my hand!"

Polly heard Sarah whisper, " _show me your soul."_

The boy's eyes dulled and his face slacked for a second before he shook his head, "w-what?" he said, as if drunk.

Sarah grabbed his injured hand. Polly's eyebrows rose. "Sarah, don't!"

The boy frowned at her. "Are you-"

His thumb cracked.

"Aah!" He yelped and let Sarah go. His uninjured hand tending to his injured one. His face was terrified for his thumb. "Oh Duchess, what the heck did you-"

"Fixed."

Polly had stopped halfway to the medical cabinet when she heard Sarah speak. It was in her country's language. It was Borogravian tongue.

The boy's confused face looked up. "What fixe-"

"Thumb. Fixed."

The crowd crowded the boy and began examining the boy's hand from all angles.

"Marvelous!"

"Splendid!"

"Damn it! I wanted a good row!"

"Polly," a woman had sidled up to Polly, "don't you think her voice is too deep?"

Polly gazed at Sasuke. So he knew her language, huh? No wait. Think. He just _spoke_ it. Could he understand it as well... A little test, maybe?

An embarrassed smile made its way to Polly's face. She made sure that her voice carried.

"Oh that's my boyfriend, ma'am! He's really protective of me, he's very sweet! He dresses up as a girl sometimes." Polly giggled. "I think it's funny."

Polly could _feel_ the glare right beside her. She turned left. "Hi Sarah!" She grinned and winked.

Sarah growled. She whipped his head at the woman beside Polly, who was staring at her with eyes as wide as saucers. "Not well. Damaged Throat," she said gruffly. "Not... not boy." Polly had to muffle her giggle at how pained Sarah looked saying that.

Sarah fixed her with a scowl. "Boyfriend? No chance."

Polly shook her face with a smile and gave him a light punch. She leaned in and whispered, "so you _do_ understand."

The woman beside them gave a relieved laugh. "Oh Polly, don't scare me like that! Silly girl." The woman pinched Polly's cheeks and smiled at Sarah. "Now you be careful with this little scamp, you hear? She _looks_ harmless but she'll be running circles around you and giggling all the while." The woman frowned at Polly, "learned it all from Old Gummy didn't you?"

"Weff," Polly said through her pinched cheek.

The woman shook her head, letting Polly go. "Now you two make yourselves scarce for a while. The excitement will die down soon." The woman bid them farewell and joined the crowd in their examination of the boy's healed hand. The boy was being passed from person to person like a trinket. "Come _on_ , Fred... You already looked at me once." A noisy trinket.

"Come on, let's go outside," said Polly leaving for the door. When Sarah joined her she said, "soo... thanks for that."

Sarah nodded. "Don't need thanks. Want something else," she looked at Polly with a hungry look.

They were outside the Duchess now, walking towards the town square. It was just after noon and the street was mildly busy. Horses carried carriages, a gaggle of children stared fixed at a wooden tyre as it spun to a stop, and a frazzled looking young woman was meekly asking for directions.

"Uhh..." Polly blinked. "W-What?"

"Something I've wanted. Since I first saw you."

"... huh?" Polly wondered why she didn't carry a club around with her.

"Been holding back. Too long." Sarah tightened her fist. "No more holding back. You will reveal. Everything."

"A-Aren't you being too f-forward? W-We just met."

Sarah gave her a puzzled look, "I just want information."

Polly heaved a sigh of relief, "oh, that I can reveal no problem." She chuckled, "thank the Duchess, you had me worried there for a second."

"Start with that." Sarah said, stopping and folding her hand. She grimaced and looked down, and settled for leaning behind against the wall and unfolding her hand.

"S'not the same is it? Folding just one hand?" said Polly.

Sarah nodded, "the Duchess, everyone keeps saying that. What is it?"

They heard the sounds of a parade in the distance. Some children ran past them grinning excitedly.

Polly leaned beside her. "It's two things really. One is my family's inn," Polly glanced at the boy beside her, "and the other, everyone should know."

The boy shrugged, "tell me about your inn then."

"Well, you already saw the inn right? I help my father run it. It's a good business, especially in these times."

"What times?" came the immediate question.

"... you don't know?"

"What times?" Sarah repeated the question. Sarah glanced at Polly. "And consider this. You have nothing to lose by answering my questions. You might even finish that fill in the whole of my picture you're painting in your head based on what I ask. I can get my answers elsewhere if it troubles you."

"Your sentences have gotten bigger," said Polly, casually airing the fact. "Almost like you're... getting used to using the language. You're not from around here are you?"

Polly stilled when she felt fingers gently pinch the base of her neck. "There's a word for people like you... Polly." said Sarah's soft voice. "It's _idiots._ You know the trick I can do with my hand don't you. Want to know how it feels, girl? _"_

"You're the i-idiot," said Polly, trying to keep her voice steady and not think of having a chunk of her neck cut off. "I know we're in the street. You can't do anything."

"You'd be surprised," said Sarah. Polly slumped against the wall when the fingers disappeared. "Here's a piece of advice, girl. Know what to say and what not. Most of the times its better not to say anything and get your enemy to slip up. But to answer your question, yes. I'm not from around here. I've only recently learned your country's language."

Polly nodded and then glared at him. "Don't do that again." She looked away, biting her lips.

The two of them became silent. The sounds of the parade got closer, a boy dragged his mother along whining about wanting to go home, the frazzled girl from before had sat down on some stairs with her head in her hands. She looked like she was praying.

"... why haven't you run away yet?" said Sarah.

"Because of 'these times'." Polly got off the wall. "Come on let's walk, the marching band will be here soon."

"Take me where you found me," said Sarah, following Polly.

"I'd rather not."

"Oh really?" came Sarah's mocking voice. "Pray tell why?"

"No, don't feel like it. Why, is there anything special about that place?" asked Polly with an innocent face. "I thought we could get something to eat, my feet are getting tired."

Sarah hummed and smirked. "Good. You're learning."

Polly muttered to herself, "yeah, getting my trouble's worth."

The two of the went deeper into the town, not seeing the frazzled girl move in the direction of Polly's inn with a hopeful look.

* * *

Sarah leaned against the railing of the bridge over the lake and saw Polly approach her with two cobs of corn.

"Here!"

Sarah's hand snapped and caught the cob before it sailed over her head.

"Good catch," said Polly with a smile.

"Good ploy," said Sarah taking a bite out of the cob, "but an expert will see right through you."

Polly nodded with a frown. "What gave it away?"

"You smile too much. Not natural." Sarah took another bite. "I think that lesson pays for the food, eh?"

Polly remained silent, taking bites of her own.

"So?" said Sarah. "Still think I'm safe to be around? You even let me stay in your inn."

"Soldiers, mercenaries, assassins, they've all taken residence in my inn before. Some of them are regulars. They would be... curious if something were to happen to me," said Polly without looking at him. Her cob was quarter eaten. "I'm not stupid."

"Maybe," said Sarah, noncommitedly. "But you still didn't tell _me_ this. How would I have known to back off?"

Polly winced. "Slipped... my mind..."

"Careful. Such things could get you killed." Sarah threw her cob over her shoulder. It fell into the lake with a splash.

Polly took another bite and threw hers behind her as well. She ran a hand through her hair and cursed under her breath.

"The Duchess is the beloved leader of Borogravia," Polly blurted out. "She has long since led our prosperous country. Now I have a question. Are you a spy?"

Sarah nodded. "Yes Polly, I am a spy." Polly's eyes widened. Sarah continued, "I am a spy who needs to ask who the ruler of your country is. A spy who was found half dead and saved by a peasant girl. And who relies on said peasant girl for basic information. You don't know how much my superiors thirst for such knowledge."

"... don't call me peasant girl."

"Don't act like one," Sarah returned. "Now, what did you mean by 'these times'."

"We are at war with... pretty much most of our neighbor countries. But we've been fighting Zlobenia the longest." Seeing Sarah's questioning look Polly said, "our borders keep shifting, don't ask. Who was that other person who I'd found you with?"

Sarah's face became stony. "He was an idiot." Sarah winced and clutched her head. "A friend. Happy, dobe?" she said, muttering the last part under her breath.

"Do you want to go see him? He should still be there, nobody goes there."

"Just give me the directions later. I'll go by myself. What is an Abomination? Your father seemed pretty against hearing that word." said Sarah.

Polly rubbed her shoulder, looking uncomfortable. "They are... rules."

"Rules?"

Polly nodded. "You can't break those rules."

Sarah drummed her fingers on the railing. "Okay then. What are these rules?"

The other girl looked away, "I don't know, there are too many. Look, Sasu-"

"Sarah, you mean. If someone is in disguise, _never_ use their real name. The wall, hell even the fucking _ground_ could be listening." Sarah scowled. "You can never trust plants. There, another free lesson."

Polly was running a hand through her hair.

"What?" said Sarah.

"Women don't say... hell... or," Polly looked around and whispered, "fucking. You can say sugar or heck... There, free lesson from me too."

Sarah blew air. "Damn i-"

" _Darn_ it, you mean. Now be a proper lady, Sarah. Don't let me catch you saying such things." Polly smirked at him. "Am I doing the haughty smirk right? Never did it before."

Sarah grumbled, "yeah yeah, five out of ten."

"Coming from the expert, that's a hundred. Hey, if you can understand me why didn't you talk to me at all? You made me do all the talking!"

"Hn." Sarah grunted.

"... hn?"

Sarah nodded. "Hn."

"Hnnnn." Polly tapped her chin.

"Uh-Hn." Sarah shrugged.

"Hn?!" Polly looked at him with wide eyes.

"... hn." Sarah glared at her.

"Hnn-Hnn." Polly raised her hands placatingly.

"Ahh...Hnn." Sarah sighed.

"Ha-Hn!" Polly smiled.

"..."

"Hn?" Polly asked with a worried face.

"..., _stop laughing dobe._ " grumbled Sarah in her native tongue.

"Uhh. Hn?" Polly tilted her head, confused.

Sarah shook her head, "either you're very good at bullshitting o-"

Polly winced. "Nn-hn. Nn-hn."

"... _bullshitting,_ and I'm _not_ gonna censor that word, or you're the quickest quick study of Hn-fu I've ever met."

Polly put her hand on her lips to stop her giggles. "You call that Hn-fu?"

"A-Hn."

Polly's giggles broke through. She clutched her stomach and laughed.

Sasuke saw her collapse in her mirth and turned around to look at the lake below, letting her voice wash into his ears.

He wondered when was the last time he'd made someone other than the dobe laugh like that. He couldn't quite fight off the smile on his face.

_Oooh, someone's going soft on me~_

Sasuke ignored the pestering voice in his head.

_Stop ignoring me!_

Damn voic-... _Darn_ voice was getting louder by the minute.

* * *

In a room darkened by the absence of light, sat Rhys Rhysson, the Low King of Dwarfs. He sat upon the scone of stone, surrounded by his guards and looked at the dwarf kneeling before him.

"Now, there's no need to kneel. Rise please, I believe you suffered some fractures?" said the soft voice of the Low King.

The command-giver gingerly stood up, his hand was in a sling, "just a small crack, my king."

Rhys nodded, "tell me what you remember. You were working in tandem with Ironaxehandle's clan weren't you?"

"Yes, your hairiness. I was told to finish the octanonadecagram of equilibrium."

"That name keeps changing every time I hear it," Rhys shook his head.

"'Tis the magic of the ancient ones, your lowness."

Rhys leaned forward on the scone, "tell me, command-giver. What happened? One second my heart sinks for I thought I'd lost many of my dwarfs in the land's quake, but a moment later it soars on finding you all in the central hub."

"Sand, my lord," said the command-giver. He knelt, took a handful of the grainy ground and watched it seep through his fingers. He nodded at it with gratitude.

"Sand?"

"We, each dwarf, were encased in balls of sand, my lord." Command-giver raised his slinged hand, "it was a rough ride back to the hub, the reason me and the boys are banged up."

Rhys tapped his low throne, thinking. Command-giver got up on his feet and waited patiently.

"What do you make of our... sandy guardian, command-giver?" said Rhys

"Truthfully, my lord? I am just a humble dwarf and I thank the one who saved the lives of me and my dwarfs."

"I see." Rhys nodded, "well, I commend your service, command-giver. You may return to your family, no doubt they eagerly await you."

The guards moved to escort the command-giver away.

Right before he exited the throne room, the command-giver spoke.

"My lord?"

"Yes?" Rhys raised a hand at the guards, who were about to push the command-giver out.

"I just remembered something my grandfather used to tell me," said the command-giver, "when I barely had enough hair to reach my knees."

Command-giver looked at Rhys with eyes of wonder.

"I think it may have returned, my lord. Our ancient protector."

Rhys scrunched his forehead. "Who?"

"The moving dark, my lord." Command-giver laughed and punched his armor, "after a thousand years! The moving dark has returned to carry us away from the troubles of the land!"

Rhys slowly nodded his head. "Thank you, command-giver. I will consider this."

After the command-giver left, Rhys leaned back and stared at the ceiling of the throne-room.

"The moving dark, eh?" he said.

On the ceiling of the throne room, there was a huge mural engraved into the rocks. A mural of a creature with short pointed ears, razor sharp teeth, a humongous belly, and a giant tail.

"What do you say, vandal of my kingly chamber?"

Rhys' eyes darted around as if expecting to happen.

Nothing happened.

Rhys sighed. "Oh well, it was worth a try."

Elsewhere, sand was carving out pictures of a battle across unwritten walls of the dwarfs' caves.

A battle between two boys atop two beasts.

A tanuki and a fox.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Hey y'all!
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter.
> 
> My laptop conked... yay.
> 
> Anyway, have a great day peeps!
> 
> Ciao~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Discworld.

* * *

Andrei was a proud werewolf. Actually, he was a proud yennork. For those of you who are fantastically challenged and mythologically confounded (and don't go bonkers over the totally believable angsty lives of sparkly vampires and dashing manwolfs, (I envy you ;_;) ), it means he's a werewolf who can't transform.

Rough, right? It's like being told you have the power to move mountains, but only if the mountains came with squeaky wheels. Impressive still, but not as impressive as the guy who doesn't need the wheels. Such guys have a tendency of showing off before your parents if possible. Talk about douche.

Just like Andrei's brother. But let's not go there, Andrei had left his family behind a long time ago. No need to dig up forgotten bones. Especially if one of the bones was a psychopath. And another was disappointed parents. And the other was a sister who'd rather not to talk about him, and another who couldn't speak to him. Ever.

You know what they say, when life gives you a psycho bro, run the hell away from home!

Andrei didn't know where he'd heard that, but he followed that aphorism to a tee.

One would imagine that werewolves had the best of both worlds. To walk among the worlds of both man and beast. To drink in a bar and play a game of cards, and then settle with your pack in a huddle to keep warm. To slap the other man when he insults your wife, and to bathe in the moonlight and howl with the wolves.

That is a tall order.

Werewolves do walk among the worlds of both man and beast. But it's more enthusiastic than just walking. It's closer to running in fact. OK _fine,_ sprinting. Sprinting for your life.

Because what man would trust another who could rip out his jugular in an instant? And everyone knows how much men respect equality when it comes to killing prowess. It's the very reason they keep making more and more dangerous things. He got a club? Tarnations! Let's make something bigger! How about... A throwable club! Let's call it boomermermerang.

And wolves just hate werewolves. They smell funny. And they don't let the wolves smell their butt. That's suspicious behavior. Any wolf that doesn't let you sniff its butt has got something to hide. Why, that one time the alpha wolf didn't join in the butt sniffing turns out he'd been doing tricks for the humans. Turned putty with a scratch behind the ear and a biscuit after every successful trick. Can you believe it? _Tricks._

Wolves like that are the reason we have _dogs_. Utter disgrace to the canine family. Utter disgrace.

Even to this day wolves shake their heads when they see a dog eagerly panting for its _owner's_ attentions _._ But they do bark a laugh when they see the dogs hump the humans' legs. That's always funny.

Andrei had run away from home. He didn't know where he was going. He just needed to get away from there. He'd thought, if he's lucky, his brother won't notice in time and he'll be well on his way to newer pastures, a fresh start, a new beginning. Where he'd find a place for himself in the world. For Andrei, the future had looked good. He'd smiled.

He'd been hunted, ambushed, waylaid, shot at, involved in an odd ransom, chased, jeered, sniffed, double-jeered, called a dog, turned tail at, robbed, mugged, stalked, licked, wagged at, forced to be involved in an ancient prophesy by a raving lunatic who ate candy, befriended by the vampire he was prophesised to defeat in the ancient prophesy, confessed shyly to by said vampire, betrayed cruelly by the same vampire, and so on.

Exhausted, sleep deprived and emotionally spent, Andrei had limped his way to Borogravia. And promptly fell face down under the shade of a tree beside a lake after drinking his fill.

Something pawed his face. Blearily, he'd opened his eyes.

A grinning cat, as slick as a man who'd always have your back because then he'd have your back, greeted him, "'Allo, hombre! Fancy seeing your four-legger wide jaws sleeping on the job."

Andrei put his paws on his snout and whined. He had just pulled three all-nighters. And now a cat was going to bully him.

Oh wait, did you think Andrei was stuck as a man? No no no, Andrei is a fluffy four legger. He has a tail too.

"Ai, quit your puppy cry. Get them sheep away will ye? Been lording the place to themselves they have, those woolen sweaters. The cats had marked this grass long before they came."

Andrei had sighed and gotten up. Cats had a way of bugging you till you'd done their bidding. And besides, he liked sheep. They were good animals. At least someone ran away from him like proper.

And that is how Andrei von Überwald got his first job after being pushed around by the cat, named Tabby back-Stabby, a few more times and a few more days. His talent had been recognized by the local shepherds and he'd been adopted by them as a sheepdog.

Andrei was a proud werewolf. Actually, he's a proud yennork.

He won competitions now.

.

.

.

Well, at least until he'd seen a bright flash of light and heard the accompanying explosion one night and had gotten up barking. His owners had burst out of their homes, livid with anger at the blasphemy.

Andrei now spends his time running away from his pitch fork wielding ex-owners, and his traitorous cat friends. He'd never expected to be backstabbed.

Fortune wasn't on Andrei's side.

But he was Destined for greatness.

Never a dull moment in a yennork's life.

* * *

A boy wearing a fetching blouse, an eye-catching skirt and an adorable pink bow stood in the remains of a run down building. Wood jutted out as broken planks. Pillars lay fallen over each other in a foundational mess. And the air stank of decay, moss and the musty smell of abandoned furniture.

Lying in a corner, face up on the floor, was a blackened skeleton. Its jaw was wide open, as if screaming in its final moments. The boy looked at it with downcast eyes and covered his ear. He could still hear his friend's screams. As if his ghost was draped over his shoulder and was hollering in his ears.

_Ramen~ Ramen~ Feed me some ramen~_

Sasuke kneeled before his once friend and now corpse's remains. His hand shook.

_Noodles and broth, without which I froth. Sea weed and spices, and thick meaty meat slices._

Sasuke ran his fingers over the blackened forehead protector. The soot came away and revealed dents on the metal but the spiral was still visible. He picked it up and placed it on the skeleton's chest. It had fallen off.

_Sweet, delicious, brothy ramen~_

_You know I once had this dream after reading my master's latest book... hehehe... brothy ramen._

Sasuke bit the back of his fist, overcome with emotion. Why, he asked himself. Why the dobe? The idiot with the insane luck. Overwhelming luck. But it had to run out right after he'd saved the world, didn't it. Right after the Sage was done with them. What did it matter to him? They'd just reincarnate.

_These cravings..._

_Did you that Obito fucking destroyed all the good ramen restaurants during the war? I swear that guy's a troll. Good thing big sis Ayame was there!_

Sasuke looked at the heavens, and cursed it. His eyes widened and dove to the side, just missing a lightning bolt that'd struck where he'd just been kneeling. Sasuke decided not to carelessly curse the heavens. A deluge of rain, that felt very much like a pat on the head, rained on him. He felt patronized and activated his Rinnegan with a snarl.

He looked up.

A man with many floating eyes grinned down on him from the floor above and disappeared in a blinding flash. Sasuke recoiled and covered his eyes.

Thunder rang in the skies.

_Ah hell, do they even have restaurants that sell it here?_

_...hey. What's wrong, bastard?_

Sasuke slowly removed his hand and blinked out the spots. Was that a chakra user? But he didn't have any signature... he'd have to investigate this. Sasuke reactivated his Rinnegan in case that man came back. No use in chasing anyone when his own powers were dicey.

But for now...

He sat down cross legged and leaned against the wall. He thought back to all the good times he'd had with the man who constantly failed to die under his blade. The man whose heart enjoyed the most painfully intimate relationship possible with the Uchiha.

Courtesy of Chidori, the jutsu that touches the hearts of all its victims.

_Oi, Sasuke..._

Sasuke recalled his academy days, the last days when he could kick the blond's ass without breaking a sweat.

_Sasuke..._

Sasuke recalled his team seven days, when he found out that he actually _cared_ something other than revenge. Before a snake bit him, injecting him with the venom called _greed._ And before a crow tortured him, with the possibility of the past _repeating._

_Hey, Sasuke._

Sasuke chuckled and wondered. What if? What if that'd never happened? Would he have been a better friend? Not that he was one. He knew full well that he was a selfish, murderous and uncaring monster. One who would sooner rule the world under his heel than try to understand it.

But then again.

What if _?_

_Sasu Sasu Sasukeeeeee!_

_Sasu Sasu Sasukeeeeee!_

_Sasu Sasu Sasukeeeeee!_

Sasuke's dam burst.

"Shut the hell up and let me grieve you, you obnoxious man child! Heck! Your mortality doesn't even count when it comes to annoying me, does it!"

...

I FEEL LIKE I DODGED AN ARROW THERE.

A robed skeleton looked at the land below him, shaking his head while riding his horse in the sky. Heterochromatic eyes stared out of the confines of Death's sleeve. A whispy smile in the dark.

...

_Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!_

"I'll use your bones as fertilizer!"

_Gah! Some friend you are!_

"I didn't dump me in another dimension! Or world! Or wherever this is!"

_Not my fault! Shut up, asshole!_

"Make me, idiot!"

_Bastard!_

"Dumbass!"

_Duck head!_

"Fuc- Sugar face!"

_... dah fuc?_

" _.._. I'm pretending to be a girl."

_Are... are you coming on to me?_

"What?! No!"

_Because seriously, my corpse is right there if you're feeling freaky._

"Dobe!" Sasuke cringed. "What the heck!" He slapped himself in time, before his brain could form any images _._

_My stomach hurts, and I'm hungry, so sue me! Gaah, I feel so weak._

"How can a figment of my imagination feel hungry?"

_The hell should I know? Imagine some ramen for me then. Or wait, this is like my mourning right? Give me some ramen then. Dedicate it in my honor._

Sasuke looked in the direction of the town, "I don't really feel like cooking right now." Sasuke activated a storage seal on his hand and a scroll popped into existence.

_I told you to just imagine it. Come oooon. It might work! Do it for your dead bestie? Pretty please, Sarah darling? Do it for your hunk of a man?_

"Okay fine, just shut up." Sasuke shuddered. "And don't say that again."

' _Kay._

Sasuke scowled and slapped his hand on the scroll. The bones vanished in a poof of smoke. He pressed the scroll against his palm and it disappeared. A symbol manifested on his hand.

_Come on! Hurry up!_

"Let there be ramen." Sasuke imagined himself handing his mental delusion a bowl of ramen.

_... I feel a bit stronger but there ain't no ramen here. Uh, try again? And make it sound grander! And don't think of iron! Don't trust the cereals that tell you they have iron. They're a scam! I should know, I used a magnet to test._

"Dobe..."

_Hey I'm not asking much, am I?_

" _..._ let there be a big bowl of ramen. Just like the one the Ichirakus would sacrifice in the name of sating the hunger of the ramen beast, known to the world at large as, the dead last."

_Wow!_

"What happened?" Sasuke got up on his feet and dusted his skirt.

_It's like... just for a moment... It felt like sitting in the old man's stand. The smell of the noodles as they're being made... And I feel a bit stronger. Like don't get me wrong I'm still hungry as shit, but it's like something else inside me was filled up._

Sasuke frowned. "What filled up?"

_My stomach feels like it's been filled with kunai. Ramen flavored kunai._

_Don't ask me how I know. But anyway. Thanks bastard! I'll make sure you don't go psycho and run off again!_

Sasuke scoffed. "Yeah right, thanks. The kunai are probably because of my feelings for you."

_Believe it, ya duck face! I wanna stab you too._

"My word," Sasuke whirled around at the sound of a man's voice, "whatever are you doing here young lady?"

A man with a wrinkled face who wore a priest's black robes, looked at Sasuke with a surprised face. He held a lantern in his hands.

_Oi, bastard. Use chakra in your throat! Like just above your adam's apple and somewhere under the tongue. But not too much!_

'What?'

_Just do it! I know this stuff._

_..._ that's the problem.

Sasuke did as instructed and looked at the man with fretful eyes. "O-Oh, I'm sorry, mister!" Sasuke clasped his hands in front of his skirt and noted with surprise that his voice did indeed come out more feminine. "I-I just had a really bad day and wanted to b-be alone," said Sasuke, his voice sounded sexy if he said so himself.

"Mister?" said the man, "been a while since I've called been that." He chuckled. "Usually people just call me Father Jupe, or Father."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry Father Jupe!" Sasuke bowed hastily, hating the fact that he had to. "I'm new in town so I didn't know."

The man waved her off. "Oh, it's fine. I accept your apology, hm... you name?"

"Sarah, Father Jupe!"

"Sarah! Wonderful name." Father Jupe looked at the sky. "Well, the sun seems to be retiring for today. Let's head back to town shall we? You can tell me about yourself along the way."

He flashed a warm smile at Sasuke. "It's always my pleasure, getting to know the children of our lord Nuggan. And I may as well flaunt my town's sights along the way. It may not be impressive but it's what the lord gave us." He chuckled.

"Oh, no! I couldn't trouble you, sir! I'm sure I can manage." Sasuke did not need an escort. That would just slow him down. And he'd promised the kitchen maid today that he'd help her bake bread.

"If only I had as much faith in Munz as you do, my dear. Now come on. Let us be off. We may make it before I'm forced to use my lantern."

Sasuke reluctantly joined the man. He did not want to be in his company.

_Tch, he feels like stationery._

How can someone feel like stationery?

_I don't know. He just does. And swing your hips, woman! Show us those curves!_

Sasuke felt indignant. He did not appreciate being objectified in a sexual manner.

_Hehe, just kidding. Anyway, the breeze smells so fresh. Just like back home!_

Sasuke could only smell the decay of the demolished ruins around him as he made his way to town with the priest.

"And that there, my dear, is the granary. We use it for shelter mainly because, well, we don't produce much to store anything, and that in the distance is-"

* * *

_Okay, now settle down quietly and answer the roll call. Offler? Present. Astoria?_

... _is this necessary?_

_I said. Astoria?_

...

_Astoria!_

_Present!_

_Okay. Moving on. Flatulus?_

_Present. But I believe you missed quite a few in between._

_What?_

_I mean you have Alohura, Aniger, Bibulous and a lot more before me. Isn't this usually done in alphabetical order?_

_Oh no, I'm going by the registry. We give a number based on a criterion._

_That makes sense. What criterion though, for curiosity's sake._

_The number of followers of course._

...

_**WHAT?!** _

A number of voices began shouting.

_She's got more followers than me?! ME?!_

_Oh, so you base it on what suits you? The arrogance of the high gods, hmph!_

_His name has got passing wind in it! How can he have more followers than the rest of us?!_

_Why do we even have a registry?_

Offler spoke up.

_We needed it to avoid confusion after the incident in Ankh-Morpork. Some golden human caused a lot of small gods to rise. The last thing we want is misappropriation of faith or belief theft. So hence, a registry. I maintain it in my spare time._

A fairly unpopular god spoke up.

_Isn't Blind Io to be at the top of the list? He has the most followers, has he not?_

Offler waved him off.

_Oh, he does. He has quite a few entries in the registry, goes by many names. Too many I believe._

The room flashed and there appeared a man with a blindfold and many eyes floating around him. The chatter in the room stopped.

He spoke.

_Everyone here?_

Offler shook his head.

_The Lady and Fate have yet to arrive._

The blindfolded man settled down on a throne like chair and clasped his fingers.

_Then we shall wait._

Offler shrugged and continued with the roll call.

_Libertina... Libertina are you present? Answer and don't make me repeat myself... Libertina!_

* * *

"-that over there is the Girl's Working School. Now, don't be doing anything our Lord doesn't approve of, or off to the school with you." Father Jupe laughed.

_I don't like the sound of that. Sounds like a disciplinary ward._

Sasuke shrugged mentally. Who cares? Probably just a bunch of unruly girls. They'd probably shove the dobe in even if he wasn't a girl.

_I resent that!_

Sasuke decided to focus on more important things. "But Father Jupe, what doesn't Lord Nuggan not approve of?"

The Father looked surprised. "The Abominations, my dear. Surely you must've heard as a child of wayward girls who are taken away as punishment?"

"A-Ah, yes." Sasuke smiled, sheepishly. "Could you tell me what they are again, Father?"

Father Jupe's eyes became even more alarmed.

Sasuke hastily said, "not that I don't know! It's just that my village never had a priest and we only ever heard stories with morals in them. But never what the rules are exactly."

"You must tell me more later, Sarah. That must be corrected immediately," said the Father with resolute eyes. "Reciting every word of Nuggan would take... days. So I'll tell you the more obvious ones."

Sasuke nodded.

The priest began. "Well, one must not indulge in chocolate, garlic, mushrooms, the colour blue, babies, crop rotation, girls in men's clothing-"

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably.

Father Jupe nodded with sage understanding, and continued.

"-girls knowing how to write, pictures of living things, cats, dwarfs, barking dogs, oysters, shirts with six buttons-"

_Man do these people even have a life? And what's a dwarf._

Sasuke sent his thought construct a mental image of short hairy people who wore helmets.

"-cheese, messages in the sky, rocks, ears, accordion players, theatres, and the smell of beets. The rest of them I'll have to consult the testament."

Sasuke nodded and tried not to sneer. "Thank you, Father."

"Its fine my d-"

Father Jupe suddenly stopped and stared at a poster stuck to a wall with horrified eyes. His face was conquered by abject disgust.

Sasuke squinted at the words, but the priest hastily blocked his view.

"Avert your eyes, my dear! This isn't for you to see!" The Father then turned to man carrying a barrel and barked at him. "Who posted this here! Tell me man!"

The man shook his head. "Don't know, Father. Heard a mouse of a girl had been goin' around Munz sticking them to shops and walls."

Father glared. "Then why haven't you ripped it off yet."

Sasuke frowned. What were they talking about?

The man put his barrel down and leaned on it. "Oh we would've, Father. But that's got the Duchess's face on it. An' we don't want no false accusing here of being a traitor."

Sasuke recalled what Polly had told him about the Duchess. She was practically worshipped like a deity here. Almost like Pain from how Tobi had described him.

Father peered closer at the poster. "Alright. I'll have a word with the soldiery and have someone get it off."

The man nodded. "Appreciate it, Father. You might want to tell 'em to scrape the town too. The girly made a grand tour of it." He then picked up his barrel and headed off inside.

The priest looked once again at the poster and shook his head with disgust. "The nerve of some people. May Nuggan smite them with light...," Father Jupe's slowly turned to Sasuke, "-ning." His face became thoughtful. "Curious..."

"Uh, Father?"

"Curious that I should investigate a lightning strike and find a girl sitting by herself," the priest rubbed his chin, "you seem like a good girl, Sarah. But then we find _this,"_ he gave the poster a revolted glance, "in town. Makes me wonder."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

_Don't break character, bastard._

Sasuke creaked his eyes, with difficulty, to go wide. "But Father, I can't read." The boy whose mind he'd read couldn't read.

"Hm, yes. Yes, indeed. I don't suppose you can. We do our best to ensure that women can't spread lies that way, but our forgiving Lord permits them the luxury." The priest shook his head in dismay.

_Man, Sakura would have fun with this guy._

Sasuke pictured that. Maybe that's the key to get her to go missing-nin. The boy smirked. If he ever found a way back home he'd make it his mission to get her to go missing-nin. He'd _corrupt_ her. And then he'd always have a medic on hand.

_Oi! Over my dead body!_

Sasuke raised a mental brow.

... _ah, crap._

"In any case I'm afraid I must attend to this immediately. I hope you don't mind the loss of my company?" said the priest.

Sasuke shook his head.

"Very well." Father Jupe turned around and glanced back at Sasuke. "However, my dear. If you ever find yourself in a... tight spot because of any suspicion on you." He leered at Sasuke. "My door is always open."

The priest chuckled and departed. "Wouldn't want you to end up in school, my dear!" he sang. "That would be a waste!"

Sasuke's hand surged with electricity for a brief moment the second the man had said that. He scowled and noted how much chakra that had drained. He had to learn one handed seals. Fast.

... _I think he was planning this._

"What?"

_Think to me. Stop blurting everything like a brain damaged Uchiha._

'What? Who're you calling brain damaged?'

_Yeah, so see. He like, found you right? He saw the lightning too. So he should've mentioned that sooner. But no, he started getting to know you and asking questions while making himself seem like a nice guy._

'... I think it's pretty obvious what he's after. You think he planted those posters?'

_Dunno. He did look shocked to see them. Hey, better take one of 'em. Ask Polly what it means. Wait, does she know how to read?_

"Let's find out," Sasuke whispered to himself and glanced around.

He ripped off the poster and rolled it up.

_Hey didn't you promise the maid you'd get some cooking supplies on the way back._

"Yeah."

_And you told Mr. Perks that you'd fix the roof by tomorrow morning._

"Fascinating."

_Polly also made a deal with you right? Some sword lessons for more information?_

"Are you going to narrate my life now? Is that what your existence has devolved to?"

_Huh? This must be how Kurama felt._

"...so I've been wondering. What is the inside of my mind like?"

_How should I know? I can't see shit. Wait does that mean you're my jinchuriki?_

"... shutting your trap required the power of human sacrifice. Seems fitting." Sasuke snickered as he made his way to the marketplace.

_I resent that! And don't even think of using me like how bijuu are conventionally, and horribly, used. I have rights!_

Sasuke shook his head.

"The word you're looking for is privileges. You _have_ no rights. Nobody does."

_You've got one sick perspective, bastard._

"Tobi liked his conspiracy theories. They were quite well thought out."

Sasuke's mental partner sighed.

_Uchihas..._

Across the street a girl was glancing around warily. Her eyes were sunken and she looked so frail that a small gust of wind, say an enthusiastic flatulence maybe, might blow her away.

When the coast was clear she removed a roll of paper from her bag, unrolled it and stuck it to the wall of the barber's salon.

"Oi! What're you doing!" yelled a man who'd burst out of the salon with a comb and a scissors in hand.

The girl hightailed it away from there without looking back.

_Throw the vial on the floor, Alice._

The girl grabbed said vial from her bag and hid inside an alley. She breathed hard, she could hear the man shouting nearby.

She looked at the vial with an anxious face. "I-I don't think I mixed them right."

_Did you follow my instructions, dear?_

"Yes."

_Then you have my blessing and nothing to fear. Now throw it and make haste._

The girl flung the vial into the street. It exploded like a smoke bomb. There were terrified gasps and screams while smoke billowed out.

_Now run! Don't stop till you leave Munz!_

The girl lifted her skirt and ran like her life depended on it. Which it did because... well, girls got into a lot trouble for making trouble.

"But what about the men you wanted me to find, your highness?"

_They'll get our message if they're worth anything. You did a very brave deed, Alice._

The girl smiled and her face glowed.

_If things fall into place... maybe at least in death, I can finally answer my people's prayers._

The girl wiped the sweat off her brow with her sleeves, she'd reached the outskirts of Munz. She didn't stop running.

_The recruitment party should be making its rounds soon. Find it and lay low until it starts enlisting. We may yet save our people their grief._

"Yes, my Duchess," said the girl.

_And you shall have to disguise as a boy, my dear. They don't allow girls into the army I'm afraid._

"Oh," the girl panted, "but what should I call myself?"

_Maybe, Wazzer? Teased my husband with that name his friends did, when he was a school going lad._

Alice became Wazzer without a second thought. The Duchess knew best, and Alice would always listen to the one who had listened to _her._

When the shadows seemed darker than usual, when the beatings left her body burning like fire, and when she was thrown in a room away from everyone else.

The Duchess had listened to her.

* * *

Sasuke was back in Polly's room at the Duchess. His wounds were being rebandaged by his host.

He'd given her an impromptu lesson in swordplay behind the inn after finishing the jobs he'd been assigned. The girl was a keen learner and seemed intent on getting all she could out of him.

He was tempted to ask her why she showed such an interest but he frankly didn't care. As far as he was concerned, he was just ensuring his own cheap board and lodging by making sure his host didn't die of stupidity. It was easy to bleed to death when attempting complex blade maneuvers.

He also threw in a few lessons about basic survival skills and general ninja know-how just in case. Which was basically, don't do whatever the dobe did. Especially messing with things you didn't understand.

Sasuke also ignored the dobe teasing about him getting himself a student. Even if he was probably in a world without chakra, he had standards. The only student he'd ever accept better be a genius. He had no patience for dullards.

And Polly was no dullard, she was devious in her own ways even, but she wasn't up to his standards. Even if her grasp of Hn-Fu was unparalleled by anyone else other than him...

Sasuke was looking out the window when his mind decided to speak up.

_Hey, Sasuke. Can I ask you something?_

The ninja frowned. That was oddly quiet.

'What? And since when did you ask for permission?'

_Heh, yeah. So I was wondering... what are you doing?_

Sasuke frowned, he ignored Polly's question and her expectant look.

'You have a front row seat, dobe.'

_No, I meant... What's your plan, your goal? Because... because I know you, bastard. You're thinking of something._

Sasuke chuckled, the darkness rolled off him in waves. Polly gave him a concerned look and put a hand on his forehead to check his temperature.

'You forgot already? I thought I'd made my intentions quite clear a long while back.'

_Wha?_

'It hasn't changed, dobe. My goal. I even inspired a lot of competition on the spot when I declared it. Think back.'

_...noo way. Are you nuts? That's not possible anymore!_

'Of course it is. Look Naruto, my goal is still the same. I won't let there be another Itachi and Sasuke. One pair was enough.'

_Give it a rest already!_

"I'm gonna be Hokage!" Sasuke declared in grand fashion.

"What's a Hokage?" Polly asked with a tilted head and a smile. A smile you gave to people who you thought were barely hanging onto their snapping thread of sanity.

Sasuke cursed himself with a wince.

'Oh sugar! Didn't mean to say that out loud.'

_And stop calling me sugar! It gives me the creeps!_

"I'm sorry. I can't help myself," said Sasuke with narrowed eyes and a grin. "You're the apple of my eye, honeyplum."

Sasuke failed to observe the effect his words had on the girl sitting beside him. Her face had thoroughly reddened. She was currently in the process of stammering out a reply.

_... stop it. Or I won't talk to you! There!_

"Whatever you say, snuggle muffin."

"W-Whatever I say? What did I say?" Polly squeaked out of her collar.

On the matter of hearing and saying, Sasuke thrust the poster he'd nicked at Polly.

She stared at it dumbly.

"Come on, read it will you?" Sasuke urged her.

"... is this a love letter? I think you got the wrong size." She took it with trembling hands and opened it.

She immediately glared at him. "Is this some kind of joke?"

Sasuke backed away when she brought out her club. "Hey wait I can't read! I just picked it up outside!"

The club went down. The glare was still present. "Why?"

The boy shrugged. "Seemed interesting. Just read it for me will you?"

The girl had her game face on, she smirked. "Oh interesting huh? That'll cost you something, _honeyplum_." She gave the poster a cursory glance and grinned. "Aren't you lucky you got good ol'Polly to help you around? This isn't something you go around waving at people and not get locked up for."

Sasuke massaged his forehead. "Fine. I'll teach you how to run away from trouble."

Disappointment filled the girl. "Everyone knows how to-"

"No. They don't. Running away _properly_ is an art." Sasuke waved at the poster. "Now if you would."

Polly sidled up to him. "Don't want anyone hearing this," she whispered at his questioning look. Then she read the poster.

'''Raw men wanted at the Girls Working School! Please hurry! We have what you want. We know what you want. We are desperate! Open to negotiation. Looking for the right man. Preferably raw.'''

"There, happy?" Polly shoved the the paper into Sasuke's hand. "I'll just go wash the damn stuff off my tongue now," she said and left the room, shaking her head.

Sasuke watched her leave and then stared out the window intently.

_Woof! Raw men, eh? Think you can get some, bastard? They seem desperate enough._

"I think I will."

_I was just kidding._

"They know about us." The poster crumpled in the boy's fist. "The know about _you_. Raw men. These people don't know how to pronounce it right."

_Raw... men... Holy shit..._

"That's right. What they wanted to write-"

The Sharingan spun, incensed and wary.

"Was Ramen."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Hi everyone!
> 
> Hope you liked the chapter!
> 
> My laptop's fixed! Hooray!
> 
> Have a wonderful day peeps~
> 
> Ciao~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Discworld.

* * *

Let's say you go to a new town. New. Fresh. Off the maps even. You're filled to the brim with the sort of freshness cleaning agents advertise but fall short of. Pleasant smells don't count. The air tastes different, the leaves crunch oddly under your toes, and you struggle to find your way to anywhere because the whole place is a goddamn maze to you.

But you're happy nonetheless. The people are nice, the place ain't too shabby, maybe your room could use some more color, but on the whole? It seems perfect. No here to arrest you because hey, what people don't know you didn't do.

Dimensional travel, allegedly according to a certain blond, is neat that way. A clean slate. A empty glass. An unhatched egg. A plastic surgery gone wrong. And many more metaphors which mean the start of a fresh chapter in your life.

And then there's apparently someone who might know your dark past. Boy, weren't you thrilled to find out.

_"Vengeance."_

_Yeah, let's not regress now okay. Repeat after me. I am a good bastard and I will not Uchiha anyone._

Thrilled would be putting it mildly when murder looks like an attractive option. I mean, would you want someone babbling all your embarrassing secrets to everyone else?

Like the time spilled water on your lap and had to walk awkwardly to hide the dark parts at the  _damning_  spots.

Or the time you tried to sweep your date off her feet and ended up upending her in moving traffic... yeah that wasn't pretty was it? You were so guilty that as penance you'd delegated yourself to the sleeping on the couch, while your date took the hospital bed. But since everybody's a critic, no one was impressed.

...oh wait that was just a dream, nevermind.

"I'd kill to know who it is. I really would. It's what Itachi would've wanted."

_You changed your name to Itachi?_

See, the trouble with people knowing your shady secrets in a new place is that, you never know when your trip down the street might become memory lane. What would they do with the information? Blackmail you? And how much did they know? How did they acquire it?

And the word  _had_  to be ramen, not raw men. Or was it both? Were you being beckoned by a wordplay loving siren, who wanted to draw you out and ravage you senseless?

Impossible. Your disguise was perfect.

You're too good a woman to let your manliness escape without a firm demand of where it was going without permission.

_Are you sure this isn't just a coincidence?_

"What's ninja rule number 73?"

_... sniff a straw and practise not sneezing every Tuesday?_

"I underestimated you, dobe."

_I was right? Wow, lucky guess huh? Hehehe._

"Yeah, lucky. Anyway, what I meant was that just like every straw up a ninja's nose makes them sneeze. A glaring coincidence should ruffle their survival instincts... And make them sneeze."

_Makes sense._

"Of course it does."

And now, since your as of yet faceless enemy was generous enough to provide you with an address, you got options.

_Wanna bust in all ninja like? Kickass and take names?_

"That'd just drive away our quarry."

Obviously, your first instinct would be to asskick and name take. But you're a mature enough nin-nin by now that you quash such urges with the utmost haste. It just ain't professional to manhandle your prey, spraying them with spittle while questioning them with a frothing mouth.

"Think I should raze the building to the ground? That usually gets 'em talking."

_Aren't there supposed to be innocent girls there? That'd look seriously bad on your resume if you're thinking of Hokage-ship anytime soon._

Well, nobody said your second plan would be your best. Even though a few lives seem paltry, compared to the trail of bodies that trace the path from your present to your past. It's the PR requirement of your future rulership which makes your reconsider. Well, innocent girls too you think later.

"Rinnega-"

_Let's not go there._

"But it'll be-"

_Hacks._

"As if you can stop m-"

_I can actually. Wanna watch our masters passionately ma-_

"I get your point."

_Nice. I like a man who sees reason._

"Woof! Woof!"

Who could argue against such sound logic? Snakes and toads have no business gettin- you know what? Let's just end that thought right there. Bloodline jealous friends always make things harder than they have to be... the plight of every Uchiha it is.

... oh where'd the mangy dog come from? Aww, it looks so beat up and scared. Who's a good doggy? Who's a good doggy?

"Woof~"

You are!

"Woof!"

Have a biscuit!

"Woorf."

_I thought you liked cats?_

"After Tora? No thanks. Hey! Get off me!"

_He likes you!_

"St- Stop licking me! I have to plot!"

_Should've thought of that before dispensing food. Now he's neeever gonna forget you~_

_Well, unless you throw him a bone or something._

"Ack! Freaking slobber. Where the heck will I get... a..."

You remember that you do in fact have a spare femur. One poofs readily into your hand.

"Fetch boy!"

The bone, a bit black from burns, flies through the air disappearing into the night sky. Energetic pants follow the shooting treat from the ground. Strangely, you hear no woofs.

_...did you just ...That was my fucking leg bone you asshole!_

"Femur actually."

_Who gives a shit!_

"...so you're cool with it? Progressive of you, dobe."

_You gave it a stupid dog!_

"I'm sorry, I was just getting uncomfortable with you inside me all the time. I needed some space."

_...aah...brr...uugh... you realise what you jus-_

"I needed some space, sugar."

_Your doing this on purpose! I knew it!_

"Whatever, shut up. I've arrived."

And so in the course of bantering with your inner voice, you'd decided at some point there there was really only one option to get to the bottom of things.

"Infiltration."

_Sneaking?_

"Nope. Undercover."

How do you get into a women's disciplinary ward whose admission was based on disobeying a draconian god?

You twirl.

"Yoohoo~ Look at me~ Wearing such  _scandalous_  clothes! Where are the boys though? I thought we were having a party! Raawr~"

_Oh Sage, that thing's a woman? Looks as jacked as lightning gramps. Gah, my eyes are gonna bleed._

"Bugger off, girl. Curfew's in an hour."

"I thought there'd be some, uhuhuhu~,  _raw men_  here, sister. I put on my best clothes, see?"

"Sent them to the hospice. Gave them a right boxing. Now bugger off, girl. Closing the gates now. And that dress you're wearing? I've seen rags better than that."

_Oh, well. Let's just sneak inside after a while._

But you aren't one to give up are you? So you sigh and let slip a little detail.

"Aw phooey, I knew I shouldn't have gotten excited after reading that pamphlet. I'd written a message that I'd be late too."

The large hand suddenly grips you, and you smile.

"You what?! You little wretch! Nuggan forgive you for spreading lies through the Lord's runes. A hundred lashings be too few for your blasphemy!"

Manhandled into the institution, you wonder. Lashing? What the fuck? The snarling gargoyle shoves you further into the dim lit school, which looked more and more like a prison to you. Curious eyes looked at you as you passed them by. You note how sunken they were.

_Sasuke..._

"What?"

_They have bruises._

"...focus on the objective, dobe."

You don't sound very firm. But you crush the rising... whatever was rising before it distracted you. What could you do anyway? Besides, there must've been a reason they were all here. And it's not like anyone usually helped in such situations.

Like a universal ignorance rule?

One of the girls gives you a faint smile and approaches you. Holding out the torn coat she'd been wearing.

"You'll be cold in those clothes. The air gets in from the cracks at night."

You notice her knees shivering as she holds it out to you. You're about to decline with a polite smile but then you observe the inferior quality of the cloth on offer.

Your elitist blood rears its ugly head for a split second, but its enough for you to smack her hands away and sneer.

The coat falls to the ground and she looks at it with shocked eyes. She gives you a bitter and almost broken glare, picks up her belonging and shuffles away. You see her hands rub her eyes as she disappears along the corridor.

The one hand you've left feels like it best leave before you sully its name anymore. You scowl and feel like a piece of shit. Being a distant and uncaring human being for most of your life ingrained certain tendencies in you. Like spitting in the face of weakness for instance.

The gate behind you shuts with a resonating clang, concealing a sad whine.

* * *

_Finally decided to grace us with your presence? What in the world took you so long?_

The many-eyed one asked the new arrivals.

_The usual, stopping some chaps from getting too lucky, saving some blokes from their ill fortunes. The usual._

Said the man whose had galaxies in the place of his eyes. It is said that nobody can escape him. For he is Fate.

_And you?_

Blind Io asked the other one present.

_Me?_

_Yes._

Blind Io said with a sigh.

_Oh, the daily fare. Shaking up some final destinations, aiding some destiny defiance, venting on some dog-_

Fate interjected.

_I prevented her from going overboard of course._

_Oh? Hmm, you did that? Sorry, didn't notice. Anyway, about it I suppose._

Said the woman with the bored expression. You really didn't want to mess with her. Her favor is the one thing which can defy Fate. She is The Lady.

She idly flipped a coin in her hands and caught it. She turned to Fate.

_Heads or tails?_

_Again? We've been doing this for how long?_

_Since its inception? Anyway, just say something._

Fate grumbled under his breath.

_Heads._

The Lady grinned and showed him the coin. It was tails.

_A huge number to zero, that makes it. Better luck next time? Oh wait nevermind._

The Lady vanished the coin and laughed to herself.

Fate glared.

_There was that one time I recall... When history was still in its infancy._

The Lady waved him off.

_Please, you'd used a same sided coin. That's the only way you ever win._

_A win's a win._

The other gods had gathered around. They each seated themselves on bottom holders fashioned after their respective devotees' beliefs. The god of passing wind hung on a cushion of air, the goddess of beauty's chair was the stuff of vanity, the spirit of festivities couldn't seem to sit still on his fireworks, and so on.

Blind Io tapped his foot and a table made of celestial marble rose from the celestial ground, of the celestial mountain, known as Cori Celesti, the abode of the gods.

The surface of the marble shimmered and shone. The gods gazed upon the Disc. Blind Io spoke, grabbing their attention for the moment.

_Offler, tell me. You maintain records of every belief in existence, do you not? Would those records include, say, unknown gods?_

Offler flicked his notepad, and nodded. If one was familiar enough with him, they'd be able to tell from the way his crocodile jaws stretched, that he was smiling and not showcasing his fine teeth before a chomp.

_Known, unknown, registered, unregistered, this one's got them all. It is my religion's finest creation I say. All it took wa-_

_Yes, yes. Sounds fascinating._

Io stopped him. They'd be here all century if Offler got the other gods riled up. Despite playing with the lives of mortals, they were proud of the creations made in their name every now and then.

Take for instance his own followers' invention of the touch alphabet. Thinking their lord to be truly bereft of sight his devotees had made these copper plates with raised bumps. The specific pattern of the bumps were letters or a groups of letters. Then you touch them and you could read. Sight not required.

Io was really proud of that invention... he'd pilfered. True, he might have  _inspired_  his priests in a dream to steal credit for it. And he might have ordered the true inventor to convert or perish. But it  _was_  his followers' tribute to him. The addition of the majority of the blind on the disc to his cult was just a nice bonus.

The light of belief renders everyone blind. For everything in its name is righteous.

_But, tell me Offler._

Io continued.

_Does it show even the ones you haven't encountered yet?_

_I don't have to. The notepad is magicked to work on its own. A wizard's creation, this is. I only need to organise the irksome bits now and then._

Io rest his arms on the overseeing table.

Somewhere on the disc, sailors looked up and cursed at the signs of a storm. The clouds looked like two protruding elbows filled with lightning.

Io spoke.

_So, Offler have you observed any new additions in the land somewhere around... here._

Io tapped the outline of a wasteland on the marble top.

The Lady and Fate exchanged a glance.

Offler squinted.

_Borogravia they call it now, don't they? Monotheistic state. One religion._

He tutted and shook his head.

_Bad for business I always say. People should have more diversity and choice. Specialised belief. One size doesn't fit everyone, that's why we have converts every now and then._

Io traced his moustache. The other gods readied for a grand reveal. This was classic Io.

_Try polytheistic, Offler. A up and coming deity is on the rise. And right now? His only competition is a fading voice._

Io shook his head and spoke with distaste.

_A small god. The pencil-pusher I like to call him. Nuggan. He's the spirit of stationery._

Io gazed at the assembled gods and hid a smile behind his hand. He saw the gears in their heads turning.

The Lady and Fate stared intently at him.

Offler frowned, he would look like a pouting crocodile to the untrained eye, and deftly flipped through his notes.

_...that can't be right. The Duchess was too insignificant to consider, but this?_

The blindfolded god's eyes revolved around the axis of his head.

_This? What do you mean?_

_Well. He's categorised as an enlightened human. And his base devotees are... ten._

_Only ten? My, that's some solid faith there. And the inkling thoughts? Any legends in the back of anyone's head?_

_There is... Uberwald. The Sto Plains. Ankh-Morpork-_

The gods became more and more agitated as Offler listed the spread of lore.

_-under the Ramtops... Such spread can only mean the dwarfs._

The gods gasped. Dwarfs  _had_  no religion. That a small god could inspire faith in ones who only believed in the land and the writ of Tak... and that all trolls ought to donate themselves for a higher cause...

Io couldn't hold back his grin anymore. He said with a cheer.

_Ah! He works fast indeed, our rising star. And might I mention that I had the occasion to meet one of his followers? And dare I say he has the power to fell a god?_

_**What?!** _

The gathered gods gasped and their jaws fell open.

The god of petty brawls slammed the table. Elsewhere, a barroom tussle broke out in Ankh-Morpork. A fat round man in armour, wearing a sergeant's stripes, hurried out before anyone looked for an officer.

_A god-feller? Now? I thought we were behind all that nonsense?_

Io looked at the glaring god and nodded gravely.

_He has powerful eyes, the young man. And the instincts of an assassin._

The deity of dirty dishes gulped and sweated profusely, some of which dripped onto the table.

King Verence of Lancre spit his food and hung his tongue out in distaste. He looked at the royal plates and cringed, they were lathered with dirt and foamy soap. Hadn't Shawn just washed them this morning? The King wiped his mouth. If only his people would let him install the automatic dish-wipers... Why was his kingdom so backward?

Offler folded his hands and leaned back.

_And this concerns us how? The age of god-fellers is far behind us. We are too prominent to be threatened now._

Flatulus shook his head.

_Not all are as established as you, my friend._

Flatulus looked at the other gods, whose faces had hints of fear and worry. When Io, the unofficial king of gods, told you that there might be a god-feller, you paid attention.

Flatulus stood up. The gods seated beside him wrinkled their noses and groaned.

_I might pay our good friend Nuggan a visit. Been too long since I've seen him. He shared his quill with me once I believe._

Flatulus disappeared in a gust of wind.

The other gods stood up one by one. They each parted with parting words.

_I must see this Borogravia. Sounds lovely._

_Hmph. We wouldn't have troubles like this if clerks didn't become gods. But I suppose every office needs a errand-boy._

_Ahahaha! I look forward to the inevitable bout. God-feller, my saint of murder shall seek you!_

_Who fells the feller? The mortals or the gods?_

The gods vanished one after another. Io yelled after them.

_Don't get too excited and summon thunder! Let's not have unfortunate accidents now!_

The only ones remaining were The Lady, Fate and Offler.

Io pushed back against his throne and put his feet on the table.

A coastal city drowned. The only survivors were the ones who'd listened to the warning of the head priest. A servant of the all-seeing blind god.

Io smiled.

_Now then, is the neophyte's existence luck? Or is it destiny?_

The Lady and Fate glared at each other and spoke at once.

_He did it!_

_She started it!_

Offler scratched the underside of his jaw. This should be interesting.

* * *

Sasuke looked at his surroundings. Looking for a hint of recognition among any of the girls sitting in the mess. And speaking of the mess, it was largely a self-operated one. The girls were responsible for making the food, they were responsible for dusting the floor, and they also had to deliver the food to the rooms of the people running the institution.

Burly men with batons patrolled the premises at all times like a secret police. The Uchiha had spied two girls about his age being questioned through a door left slightly ajar when he was looking around.

He'd only listened for a few seconds but from what he understood they were being grilled about their activities while working outside. The boy figured that the residents of the institution were made to work in some odd jobs or the like, probably to earn money for the running of the facility.

However, looking at the crap which apparently passed for food in this place, he wondered where the money was being spent.

"What is this?" he said, looking from his food to the young woman who was the canteen lady. Sasuke winced when he realised that it was the same one who'd offered him her coat.

With the way her lips were making complicated gestures, or were just chewing a particularly rubbery piece of meat, it was clear that she had no desire to see him again so soon. Sasuke just about turned when his friend's voice spoke up.

_You should apologise man._

Sasuke looked at the ground.

"..."

_I know you have issues but, you gotta try sometime right? I mean, you made great progress with all the stuff in the inn and all but... you still gotta-_

"Well, we call it-"

"Shut up."

The girl had begun in an unsure tone and had jumped back with a start when the Uchiha snarled.

"O-Okay, s-sorry," she said, hiding behind her hands and her ladle, looking like she was afraid of being hit.

One of the patrolling men made his indignant way in their direction but his partner stopped him with a smirk and shook his head. He leaned back against the wall and patted the spot beside him.

Sasuke was quivering. His hand shook with suppressed emotion while his Sharingan spun as he stared at the floor. He was making a fool of himself.

He flung his plate away towards the tables- eliciting some shrieks- not caring to see where it landed.

The boy walked around the serving pot of the crap and approached the girl. She looked around her for help but found herself abandoned in the face of the baton wielders' presence.

_Bastard, what the fuck are you doing?_

The girl yelled when the boy slammed the wall beside her and stared at her with his red eyes. The Uchiha laughed silkily and leaned his face closer. The girl shivered but didn't back away. Her sights were away from the Uchiha but had she been looking, she'd have seen his features flash with dark anger.

_Bastard! What the fuck are you doing?!_

"The weak need to follow."

The Uchiha muttered and let out a warm chuckle, dipped in slime. His voice came out equally slimy, snake-like.

"My my, the world has been most unkind to you, hasn't it? Quite unjust of it," Sasuke shook his head from side to side with a nonchalant smile, "quite unjust."

The girl's grip on the ladle tightened. She shut her eyes and curled into herself. The ninja's ears heard her muttering rapidly, "-f-f-forgive m-me lord, f-forgive m-m-me lord-" And on and on she went like a broken record.

Sasuke glanced at the minders, still no action on their part, only mild interest. Typical.

_Hey..._

"What is your name?" The Uchiha's voice barked out.

"-f-f-forgi-"

"Your name!" The Uchiha roared.

"L-Liza!"

"Very good, Liza."

Sasuke patted her head. His face looked tortured before shifting into something more sinister.

"You are weak, Liza." He mentioned it as a fact. "You are so weak that you would sooner snap under your own influence than before someone does it for you."

He cupped her cheek and raised her head to meet his eyes. He made a pleased grunt at the way she rapidly blinked.

She whispered, "y-your eyes..."

Sasuke unleashed all the vile smugness within him. He felt it prudent to declare, "my eyes, they see all." He smirked. "In fact, they can see the futur-"

"They're beautiful," Liza stared at them in wonder.

Sasuke kept smirking.

The girl stepped closer and looked deep into them, the Sharingan felt bashful at such attention and began spinning shyly. Liza's face brightened and she gave a light giggle.

Sasuke kept smirking.

_Uhh, I'm so confused._

The Sharingan, only acclimated to looks of terror and fury directed at it, was in no way equipped to handle the fascinated attentions of a young woman. If she kept it up it'd never be able to forget her timid smile as she stared at it, hypnotised. So, it upped the ante.

Mangekyo Sharingan.

Sasuke kept smirking.

Liza blinked slowly and her mouth formed an 'O'. She came ever closer and stood face to eye with the Sharingan. Her smile leaped past timidity and approached the court of awe.

"It bloomed into a flower!" she said happily with her hands clasped. "C-Can I touch it?"

The Sharingan cringed. Great, now its Tsukyomis are gonna be filled with running away from girls who wanted to run their fingers over its iris or something. It shuddered. That must be similar to being kicked in the balls. Her smile was seared onto its retinas by the way. The Sharingan sighed, this didn't seem like a girl who'd leave you alone after a firm no. It'd have to call for back up.

Rinnegan.

Sasuke kept smirking.

_What is happening?_

Sasuke didn't know.

The Rinnegan scowled at its younger brother for waking it up. Who the hell did it think it was? Waking up the original dojutsu. The Rinnegan had a right mind to give its brother a severe chakra spanking. The Sharingan spun and flicked to the side, towards the girl. The Rinnegan rippled and turned with a scowl. It met with a pouting girl.

"This looks weird."

The Rinnegan drew its rings up, indignant. Who did this woman think she was?

"It looks like something you'd see in a circus,-"

The spiral eye rippled. C-Circus?! How dare she!

"-or in a joke shop, the glasses with loopy rings?"

The Rinnegan's rings became angry ellipses of hurt pride.

"Could you bring back the red flower in both eyes? I could stare into them all day." Liza sighed dreamily, her fright being a thing of the past.

The Rinnegan hid under the shadows of its wielder's bangs. The Sharingan prodded his brother. The Rinnegan snarled and snapped. Tears of abashed shame threatened to leak from its tear ducts.

Liza stretched Sasuke's Rinnegan eyelid with her fingers and shuddered. "It looks unsightly to be honest."

The Sharingan sighed as its older brother ran away crying. Poor eye mustn't have been used to being scorned so directly. Being worshipped through the ages had it disadvantages. The Sharingan reluctantly manifested again in the eye left by his brother.

Sasuke kept smirking, ignoring how she fluttered her eye lashes. He had to regain control of the situation.

_Pft, yeah right. Eye candy._

Sasuke blurted out, "did you just call me  _eye candy_?"

"...can I?" Liza asked with a hopeful face.

Sasuke squinted at the girl, who was worryingly disconnected from his power fantasy. Orochimaru would've been disappointed in him.

He restarted his efforts. He swept his arm across the mess as if it were the world on a platter.

"I can give you anything you want, girl. I can give you power, wealth, women-"

_Women?_

"-I mean men, the finest mind you, and whatever else your sweet heart may desire." Sasuke whirled around, and pinned her with his stare. "Follow me, Liza. And the world shall  _bow_  at our feet."

_Were Orochimaru's recruitments this dramatic?_

Liza rubbed her shoulder and opened her mouth. She closed it, and she opened it again. Words just about made it to her tongue before her lips treacherously shut up again.

The Mastermind Uchiha graciously said, "tell me child, what ails you?"

She hesitantly began, "I'll... follow you or... something, but..." she bit her lip and looked down again.

Sasuke saw the monitors approaching them from the corner of his eyes, he picked up a nearby spoon and discreetly flicked it at the ceiling.

It bounced off the ceiling- table- doorknob- a girl's behind- the floor- and hit one of the monitors behind his ear. He cried out in pain and turned to his partner with a red face. He pushed him.

The Supreme Uchiha turned back to his future subject and gently patted her shoulder. "Be afraid not, young one. I do not judge. For is it not said, that Ramen never judges?"

Sasuke heard a gasp in the crowd, and he smirked. Ah, his quarry was in the room eh? He then caught hurried stumbles out of the room. By the sound of it, his prey was on the heavier side of the weighing scale.

"Ramen... never judges?" said Liza, her brow lifted in confusion.

_...something's happening._

Sasuke shifted his eyes back at Liza. Damn, why was this taking so long? He was really out of practice.

The principle of it was simple really. Find out a person's insecurities, tell them that they're fucked in life, then advertise yourself as the only cure to their inadequacy. They sold themselves to you in seconds if you did it right. And Orochimaru had  _always_  done it right.

Sasuke could always see the most obvious tells of a person's past. The girl Liza for instance, she looked lonely, she spoke with a voice that quivered unless it forgot itself, she was ready to offer up her comforts to a stranger. It reeked of desperation to the Uchiha.

And he knew just how to lure in people who were desperate.

Power.

It always worked. It'd worked with him after all. And when you got right down to it, it was always a battle of the strong and the weak. Those without always wanted a stab at those with.

_No, seriously. I'm feeling tingly._

The monitors were fencing each other with their batons now. A few girls began whispering to each other. The word 'bet' was heard now and then.

"Eye candy, what is Ramen?"

Sasuke's face spasmed with a cringe before benevolence took over again. Sasuke sat down on the floor and invited the girl to join him like a grandfather inviting his kids for an exciting story. The girl sat down, wincing when her knee touched the floor.

The Uchiha closed his eyes and began with a big fake happy smile pasted on his face. He didn't see the extra pairs of legs that joined the two of them on the ground.

"Ramen, Liza, is the ambrosia of the gods. It is a way of-"

_The hell is ambrosia?_

"-life, living and love. One who makes Ramen, is filled with fondness for his fellow man. One who shares Ramen with his friend, enjoys a kinship that goes deeper than blood. And one who consumes the holy gift, is blessed for eternity by the Ramen King."

_Oooh~ Go on, go on! You're saying the stuff I always thought but never wrote!_

"Ramen king? Who's that?"

Sasuke opened his eyes to see a smattering of girls of all ages sitting before him, beside his to-be first disciple. He wondered whether to entertain the question of the scruffy looking girl who was giving him a suspicious eye. The others were also obviously interested by the way they leaned closer.

The boy mentally shrugged, who was he to say no to female attention.

_This after you ignored your fanclub? For shame boy, for shame._

Sasuke rolled his eyes. These girls weren't rabid.

He gave the scruffy girl a sardonic smile. "The Ramen King, huh? He's the dumbest guy you'll ever meet in your life."

The girls gasped and broke out in scandalised whispers while Scruffy scowled at him. "I know why you're here now... such blasphemous talk. You shouldn't insult gods if you know what's good for you."

Scruffy looked away with a growl. "Even it isn't  _Nuggan_. Tch."

Sasuke raised a brow. He spotted a grudge. It wasn't surprising given the god's holy diktats. Going from what the priest had told him, even the most ardent follower would find them restrictive.

Whelp, marketing time.

He began, "you misunderstand, Miss...?"

Scruffy replied gruffly, "Clover. And don't call me Miss." The girl's eyes looked pained before she glared again.

The Uchiha nodded, "Clover. The Ramen King isn't an idiot because he's, well, an idiot. He's an idiot because he treats even his worst enemies with compassion."

He let his gaze sweep the girls. "He believes in peace, he believes in understanding and he wants to end all conflict, forever."

_Are.. are you talking about me?_

Clover scowled, "peace? What does peace matter? If you stay quiet then you'll just get knocked over."

Sasuke rubbed his chin, "yeah, even I'm trying to figure out that part."

The plant named girl pursed her lips and shook her head in disappointment.

The Uchiha pondered the girl's question. It was one he'd eventually have to answer.

Was peace really a solution to suffering?

_It's better than mass murder._

But you need to be violent to ensure peace.

_Says who?_

Well, Konoha actually.

_What?_

The most peaceful, and the least turbulent village is the one which is the strongest. Even in the other Great Villages, their civilians were probably the safest ones on the Elemental Nations.

Violence ensure peace.

_I... what? But that's just pushing away your troubles onto innocent people! Just because we're strong it doesn't mean we have to deprive others!_

Yes. We have to. Part of what strength is, is sabotaging others. You can't have new players who're rising to strength equalling yours. They become ambitious.

Dominance is the answer.

_Empathy is the way!_

Internal peace needs external brutality.

_Alliances exist! People are willing to understand if they're given the chance!_

Who's gonna give you the chance? The Sandaime? Tsunade? The Council? They'd have their plans in motion way before you find out the atrocities that've been committed in the name of the village.

_You never trust people! That's always your prob-_

What do you think happened to Wave?

... _wha?_

A country with a fresh start and a thriving economy. An essential part of many trade routes. Tazuna really got the place up and running. Negotiated with the Daimyo to subsidise the farmers, made deals with ship builders to pay over time, lured in sea-men from the ocean liners to run their trade companies.

And then Konoha apparently catches a whiff of a supposed missing-nin being harboured by the country.

_I didn't..._

Kumo's jinchuriki was reportedly 'taken away' and 'seduced' by the pleasant breeze of the country's islands, a contingent of A-ranked ninjas was deployed to recover him at all costs.

The Sand village se-

_Gaara wouldn't do anything!_

-sent their special ops to sabotage the apparently developing ninja cell of the Wave. They didn't find anything of course, but they thinned the fleet of the country by 'accident'.

_Shut the fuck up! Wave was doing just fine the last time I went there!_

Fine compared to what? Compared to the desolate graveyard it was? Compared to the hopeless wasteland it was? Of course, the children in rags disappeared, of course, the suicidal farmers disappeared, of course, there seem to be opportunities popping up everywhere.

But under the thumb of the other villages.

They're workers, Naruto, they're not owners. They're paid enough to live contently, while all the major businesses are being bought up in a frenzy by the major villages for their home countries.

_I... this... Ta... Tazuna never said anything!_

You're a Leaf. Why would he? He's got enough trouble making sure his people are not screwed over completely.

_How... how do you know all this?_

Hmph. Stick around, maybe you'll find out. And didn't you say it yourself.

"Power corrupts. Absolutely." Sasuke said with a frown. He glanced at the girls. "When you find the solution to the corruption of those in power, then, you will have peace."

"Corruption..." Clover murmured. She sighed and put a hand on the table beside her, lifting herself up. She clapped her hands, "well get up girls! That's enough batty talk for today, god forbid someone hear this. The ugly gargoyle will be here soon so off with you!"

The girls stood up one by one, a few of them waved the Uchiha goodbye, and left the mess in groups.

Clover stared down at him. "What's your name, greenhorn?"

The Uchiha jumped to his feet, startling the scruffy girl a step backward. The Uchiha smirked, "Uchiha Sarah, at your service."

Clover glared at him, "a piece of advice. Don't go walking into dark rooms with priests." She looked at Liza still sitting on the ground and staring at the floor. Clover shook her head, "forget about them Liza, stick to this tomboy here." She gave Sasuke a raunchy smile, "she seems fit to be your knight in shining armour."

Liza fell backwards at those words and looked at the grumpy girl with wide eyes. Clover chuckled and turned around, walking away. "Have fun with your eye candy, girl. Make her eyes go all googly."

The shy girl buried her face in her hands and moaned. She peeked up at Sasuke, who had a complicated expression on his face. He wanted to ignore the pink on the girl's face.

_...if I weren't mad at you I'd say good job making a girl crush on you while disguised as a girl... and while acting like a psycho... good job._

Crush? She wasn't crushing on him. She was just embarrassed.

_Oh? Kneel down and pat her head. Girls hate being patronised._

The Uchiha promptly kneeled down and began patting her head.

The pink on her face apparently had expansionist plans, because it spreading... fast.

_What'd I tell ya?_

Liza tried a tentative smile, "so you're Uchiwa Sarah? That's a... that's a beautiful name."

"Uchiha, not Uchiwa," Sasuke absently said. He stopped patting her and held out his hand, and when she took it, pulled her to her feet.

She looked unsure for a second and then she asked him, "c-could you tell me more about the Ramen King?"

Sasuke shrugged and nodded. He started for the mess's exit. The girl walked with him, a step behind.

_Aww, little Sasuke is blushi-_

The boy Mangekyo Sharinganed his embarrassment away. The abilities of the Ultimate eyes were frankly numerous.

_Fucking hacks, man... And anyway, this is one way to get a follower alright. Congrats!_

Sasuke growled. Why did the dobe have to live on as a fragment in his mind?

Liza poked him.

"Hn." He said, turning to her.

"C-Can-," she saw his majestic Sharingan stare and her face became dreamy, "oh  _god_ , I want those  _eyes._ "

The Uchiha recoiled and his eyes twitched and spun. Much to his beholder's delight.

_Ooh boy, this one's a keeper!_

_Maybe even literally too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Greetings, readers!
> 
> I hath returned to torment thee with my laborious tales!
> 
> May happiness find you well.
> 
> May our paths cross again, with the slowness of a hare and the haste of a tortoise.
> 
> Farewell, traveller.
> 
> My thanks for reading this tale of mine.
> 
> Ciao~
> 
> ;)


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